


Poem for you

by manaika



Category: Hakuouki
Genre: Established Relationship, First Kiss, First Time, Lemon, Lime, M/M, Matchmaking, Post Reimeiroku, Pre Shinsengumi Kitan, Threesome - M/M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-09
Updated: 2013-07-07
Packaged: 2017-12-08 00:42:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 33,630
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/754970
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/manaika/pseuds/manaika
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sano, Shinpa and Heisuke decide it's time for their vice commander to take some action in regards of a certain taciturn left-handed swordsman. Written for tokio fujita, because she is as devoted to HijiSai as I am to ShinpaSano and because Reimeiroku is full of Saitou moe. Set in the months between the end of Reimeroku and start of Shinsengumi Kitan.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Plan

**Author's Note:**

  * For [tokio_fujita](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=tokio_fujita).



> I wrote this originally on livejournal, as a present for tokio_fujita, as a small token of gratitude for all the work she does and really just for being who she is, which is a good and kind person and fun to be around.
> 
> It was supposed to be a cute and fluffy HijiSai shot, but it ended up as a six part fic + Omake
> 
> Set in the months between the end of Reimeroku and start of Hakuoki, I would say.
> 
> Pairing: HijiSai, with a bakatrio threesome and hints of Kondo/Okita and past Tani/Sano on the sideline.
> 
> Rating: PG-15 and up. Varies between chapters, but only one is really for Mature Audience, I'll warn you in time. (IMO 17 and 16 years old would cope, but there are actually rules for rating, that I have to follow) There is also a smutty scene in the first chapter, but it doesn't depict the real deal, only a bit of fondling. I am not censoring that, because I don't believe that it should be censored for MA only. Actually, I'm not sure if I believe in the rating system at all, I think it's set too high and is too strict at the wrong topics. But that's another discussion that I'm not getting into now.  
> Warnings: sexual scenes, language, male/male relationship, graphic depictions of sexual intercourse, my attempts of imitating Hijikata's haiku-style in english, bakatrio threesomeness, meddling Okita, fluff?
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own Hakuoki and neither am I making money writing this. But it is still my work.

  
**POEM FOR YOU**   
**PART ONE – The Plan**   


 

Kyoto, 8th month of 3rd year of Bunkyuu era

_Oh, look the Sun high up in the skies, on this warm Summer days,  
Seeing us celebrating the warmth of Love, may it heat us with it's rays._

 

It was a warm day at the end of the summer in the capital city, with people outside, enjoying the last warm days, when Hijikata Toushizou allowed himself to take a day off from work and relax. The last weeks had been busy, with Serizawa's execution, Kondo-san taking over the lead and the Shinsengumi stabilizing, and finally things have settled down enough for him to breath out. Of course there was still the issue with the rasetsu, and new recruits kept enrolling the corps, but today it seemed like problems have taken a break, issues didn't press him to deal with them immediately and even that brat Heisuke didn't tick him off, so Hijikata Toushizou allowed himself to slack off. He was relaxing in the yard of their residence, thinking various thoughts of the seasons changing and emotions blossoming, when a haiku came to him. He made sure he remembered to write it into his collection later.

Not that Hijikata Toushizou had someone he loved. He was the vice-comander of the Shinsengumi, he couldn't allow himself to get himself involved with someone. A relationship was work and recquired much time spent together. And even if Hijikata allowed himself to relax from time to time, it wasn't enough to maintain a working relationship. But that didn't mean he couldn't find someone endearing. He had been through his fair share of woman, more than people gave him credit for and it was not something he was proud of, but it made him to be really through with the other gender. But that still didn't mean he couldn't find a woman endearing. Even if right now it wasn't a woman that caught his eye.

He knew that loving a man became less common in the past years, but Hijikata couldn't help it. That man, while still a man and proud warrior, had a boyish charm of innocence around himself, that stole Hijikata's breath away and made him want to devour that person rigth away, take that innocence as his...But he wouldn't. He couldn't. His wish was just a fantasy. There was no way his feelings were returned. It just couldn't be that a man like that man was, could love a man like Hijikata. They were too different, not only in their upbringing, but their sword skills, social standing and personality made them a complete oposite. And Hijikata found himself on the worse end of things. He hadn't mastered the way of the sword as perfectly as he wished yet, while the sword skills of that man were outstanding and not to be matched. Even Shinpachi and Souji, the two best swordsman the Shinsengumi had, lost to that guy. Hijikata was also too loud, for a calm and composed man like that man was, to like him. And to top it, Hijikata was born into a peasant family, while that man was a distinguished samurai. To put it short: Hijikata didn't stand a chance. But that didn't mean he couldn't watch that man from afar.

„Vice commander."

Hijikata turned to look at the person who called him, only to see that man approach him.

„Saitou."

That man, Saitou Hajime.

The man he loved.

„Did something happen?" Hijikata asked as Saitou came to stand next to him and strikingly deep and dark blue eyes met Hijikata's purple ones.  
Saitou shook his head. „No. It's just rare to see you like this, Hijikata-san. Have you completed your work?"  
Hijikata nodded. „Yes, I'm done for now and decided to make use of the rare peace." He smiled sideways. „There's no telling when Heisuke will come up with a way to annoy me."  
Saitou returned the smile with one of his own. „Please, don't hesitate to ask, if you need anything. I'll be glad to help the vice commander out."

Neither of them noticed the three persons huddled together behind the corner, watching them intently.

„Geez, Hajime-kun!" the youngest man hissed, his hands holding the thumbs in silent encouragement. „Kiss him already!"  
A bandaged palm came to cover his mouth and a hiss sounded.  
„Shh! They'll hear you Heisuke!" Sano shushed him silently. „Besides, as the older one, it's Hijikata-san who has to make the first step."  
„That's right." From above them Shinpachi spoke up. „I just wish he would finally jump over his shadow and...hey, look!"  
The two males looked at where the oldest of their round pointed only to gasp at the sight. Hijikata-san was leaning forward, his hand on Saitou's cheek, ready to...

„Kiss him, kiss him, KISS HIM!"

Shinpachi's palm closed over Sano's mouth at the same time as Hijikata-san wiped away something on Saitou's face.

„Lover your voice Sano!" Shinpachi hissed, while Heisuke just groaned in disapointment. „Do you want Hijikata-san stomping over here and showing his fist down onto our heads?!"  
„No, but we can't let it just like this! They're taking an awfully long time to get it finally on!"  
Shinpachi nodded. „I agree, but there's only little we can do. Try convincing Hijikata-san, that Saitou is the right choice for him."  
„I bet you that Hajime-kun will take the first step." Heisuke spoke up, grinning mischievously. „And if I win, you'll let me top you, Shinpat-suan!"  
„Never!"  
„Are you stupid?!" Sano's amber eyes flashed at Heisuke. „Hijikata-san is Saitou's superior, Saitou could never make an advance at him!"  
„Right." Shinpachi nodded. „Besides you're too young to top."  
„That's not fair!" Heisuke complained. „Sano-san's younger than you too and you let him top!"  
„That's different." Shinpachi bit back. „Sano's tall as me, strong as me and younger only by a year. We're equals, so equaly he can give and take as much as I."  
„That's true." Sano nodded. „You're simply too young Heisuke."

„You're using that just as an excuse!"

„Don't use that tone on me! Sheesh, sometimes I wonder what's with the youth these days. When I was your age, I would have died of shame if I had to ask daimyo-sama, or Sanji-sensei if I could top. You don't ask that your superiors. Where's the respect?!"

„You're not my superior, Sano-san. You're an executive, just as I!"

„I shoud hit you for the nerve to say that Heisuke! I may not be your superior, but I'm still older than you! And now shut your trap! That's not our objective right now!"

„Then what exactly is your objective, Harada, if I may ask?"

At the sound of that voice Heisuke startled so hard, that he jumped up from where he was crouched at least two feet high.

„Hijikata-san!"

Sano couldn't really blame him. Hijikata was looking quite darkly at them and Shinpachi was nowhere in sight, having probably cleared the coast as soon as he saw Hijikata making a single step towards them. Sano gritted his teeth. That bastard...

„Well? I'm listening."

Heisuke started stuttering for an excuse, while Sano lifted himself up and dusted his hakama off.

„Hijikata-san, I just came to see if you aren't in need of any help."  
„Help." Hijikata raised a sardonic eyebrow, his expression showing that he didn't believe Sano a single word.  
„Yes, help." Sano's gaze remained steady. „Help, or advice..." Sano, making sure that Hijikata saw it, let his eyes glance towards Saitou, who was untill now standing calmly behind the vice-commander.  
Hijikata frowned. „No, thank you." He spoke through gritted teeth. „I'm in no need of any kind of help. I can manage on my own."  
„So I see." Sano said simply, his mood to dealing with his vice-commander's love life and teasing his fellow executor, gone thanks to Heisuke being a brat again and Shinpachi playing coward. „Then, since you don't recquire any of my services, I'll be looking for Shinpachi. There's something I need to tell that idiot." Sano's hand balled into a fist. He needed to teach that ass a lecture about running away.

He bowed to Hijikata-san and disappeared from sight within a few seconds.

Heisuke wanted to follow suit, but he was held back by the strong grip of his leader.

„That would explain what Harada was doing here." Even though Hijikata-san said that, Heisuke was sure the demon vice didn't believe Sano-san a word. „However, it does not explain why you would need to accompany him."

Heisuke laughed nervously, as the purple gaze bored itself right into the very core of his soul.

„Well, you see..."

„I'm listening."

Heisuke was  _so screwed_...

 

 

ox*xo

 

 

Sano found Shinpachi in his room, sitting on the floor, leaning against the wall, apparently waiting for Sano, a sheepish smile playing on the sensual lips.

„Yo!"

Sano frowned.

„Yo."

Shinpachi scratched the back of his head and Sano recognized it as his lover's nervous habit. Apparently, Shinpachi was apprehensive. Good. At least that idiot was warned. Sano started to approach Shinpachi with slow steps, his stare never leaving the man in front of him. Shinpachi would pay for the stunt he pulled, Sano would make sure of it.

„Was Hijikata-san very upset?"

„I left Heisuke deal with it."

„Ah."

„He has vaste expierience on this field after all."

„Yeah..."

„Has to have, after all those time you disappeared into nowhere after Hijikata-san found you two doing something to tick him off."

„Uh..."

„Not me."

Silence.

Sano was now standing right in front of Shinpachi, towering over him much like a summer storm that was about to break out, bringing destruction and all the might of thunder and lightning with him.

„Who do you think I am?"

Shinpachi gulped.

„Do I look like some brat to you?"

„Sa...Sano." Shinpachi stuttered. „Ca...Calm down."

Sano's hands reached for the hem of Shinpachi's top and fisted themselves around the embroided fabric.

„It was just fun!"

Slowly he pulled his lover up, to bring him on the same eye level.

„I...I knew you could deal with Hijikata easily!"

Sano's hand twitched.

„Sano, NO!"

Shinpachi's eyes squeezed shut to shield themselves from the fist that would connect with his jawline the next moment...  
Any moment...  
Now...

Huh?

A quiet chuckle sounded and Shinpachi cautiously opened his eyes, only to see Sano's twinkling mischievously at him, a crooked smile on the handsom face.

„You're cute when you're panicking."

Shinpachi gave him a wide-eyed, disbelieving stare. Sano slowly set him down again, then seated himself next to him, smiling sweetly, while Shinpachi could just stare, not believing the nerve of that guy. To scare him like that...And not to mention, if he judged by the tighteness, Shinpachi had now a big problem underneath his fundoshi. Fucking great. Why, oh just why the hell fighting with Sano always turn him on faster than a high quality aphrodisiac could, Shinpachi didn't want to know. And all that damn cunning asshole did about it, was grinn.  
„You're such a bastard..." Shinpachi seethed, but Sano just gave him a canine smile, one of those that were always followed by a smart remark.  
„Then what does that the man fucking that bastard make?"  
Shinpachi didn't know whether to blow or cry, being in the mood for both, so he chose sighing.  
„You're incorrigible."  
„And you love me so."

And fuck, he did, didn't he?

If Shinpachi was honest with himself, he was completely smitten with the handsom man. And the worst thing was, he didn't mind the least.

There was the shuffling of fabric and the creaking of wood as something heavy moved and as Shinpachi opened his eyes to it, he sudenly had an armfull of wickedly grinning Sano between his legs.

Huh?

„Need help with that?"

Shinpachi didn't really want to know how Sano knew, since his hardness was covered by both fundoshi and a nobakama, that admittedly wasn't as wide as Sano's umanorihakama, but still wide enough to hide embarassing things from the inhabitants of the capital and the rest of the world. He rather focused his mind on the suggestion and had to smirk, as he admitted to himself, that it didn't sound bad at all. Heisuke was probably still getting the bushido read by Hijikata-san, the loyal Saitou totally in love with the demon vice right there at his side. Okita was probably getting his own 'treatment' from Kondo-san and Sannan-san would be either working or practicing at this time of the day.

Shinpachi's smirk got wider and he reached out a hand to tug at Sano's bandages.

„Sure. Why not?"  
„Because it's my turn this time."  
Shinpachi's smirk fell.  
„What? But I let you only recently!"  
Sano stared at him intently.  
Shinpachi stared back.  
Sano's eyes narrowed.  
Shinpachi sighed.  
„Geez, give me a break! Seriously, what is it with everyone wanting to top me?! Is it my muscles? Do you think that you can surpass-"

Sano swallowed the rest of the sentence in a heated kiss.

Shinpachi sighed invardly. Looked like he had to let Sano have his way... For now. Shinpachi hadn't been Sano's seme for months not to know how to manage his hot-tempered friend.

Sano's lips were sure as they moved against his, nibbling and slowly opening him, while the strong arms around him embraced him tightly. A wet and hot tongue darted inside his mouth, as Shinpachi's body relaxed and his lips parted in an unguarded sigh. Their tongues encircled each other, probing cautiously the enemy territory, before they clashed and engaged in a heated battle of thrusts and slashes.

Kissing Sano always felt like a fight.

He hated losing and his lover never gave in easily and honestly, Shinpachi loved it that way. The dominance that man showed reflected his determination and reminded Shinpachi of the fights they've been through together, of the countless times they stood side by side, back to back, heart to heart. The heat of two bodies pushed beyond their limits, but still urging themselves to go on...

Shinpachi's fundoshi became even tighter and a silent moan resonated through the kiss.

He felt Sano's grinn against his lips and the sureness he displayed, as their battle went on and Shinpachi knew that soon his time would come to perform the maneuver that would gain him the upper hand. It wouldn't need much, just a small moment when Sano allowed an opening, revealed a small unguarded place, during his next attack. And true enough, just as Sano went over to attack his neck with small bites and gentle sucks, that drove Shinpachi crazy, he involuntarily showed Shinpachi's albeit clouded, but still seeing eyes a weak spot and the second executor of the Shinsengumi, the front guard, the one with the strike force of an avalanche, charged.

As Shinpachi's tongue descended on the over-sensitive skin behind his ear, a jolt of lust went through Sano's body, a shiver run down his spine and a helpless moan broke out of him. He felt the wicked smile against his skin and he wanted to protest, but then Shinpachi used his teeth and every word died in Sano's throat, swallowed in another moan.

Shinpachi supressed a victorious cry and continued his ministrations instead.

It always turned Sano into a helpless, moaning pile of heated flesh, when Shinpachi did that. The spot behind his ear, just next to the lobe was known territory for Shinpachi's mouth, tongue and teeth and he knew just what to do, to have Sano melting in his arms.

His hands didn't remain still either.

Slowly they wandered down the strong back, over the rough fabric and the layers of bandages to the sharp hips and bended the strong body to their will, untill Sano was sitting spooned against him, grasping Shinpachi's tighs thightly, clinging to the remains of sanity.

„Bastard...I'll kill you..." Sano gasped, but with the aroused flush covering his cheeks, he didn't look threatening at all. Even though Shinpachi knew, that he would have to hide from Sano's vengeance when they recovered.

„Yeah, right. Who would fuck you then?" Shinpachi just retorted and a clever hand found it's way into the side-gap of Sano's umanorihakama and run his fingers over the bulge there in a feather light touch.  
A wanton gasp passed Sano's lips and he squirmed in Shinpachi's lap, his body in need for more friction, more contact, but his will nowhere near broken.  
„Don't you worry..." His lover spoke in a low, husky, aroused voice and Shinpachi shivered at the sensual sound. „I have other...options." Sano could barely speak from arousal, his voice a mere whisper, but it still caught Shinpachi's ears.  
„What other options?"  
He felt Sano's smirk against his neck and a challenge sparked in darkened, amber eyes.  
„Sanji-sensei has been...proposing...since he joined...the...shinsengumi."  
„Proposing..."  
„Says he wants to fuck me so badly, he wakes up cumming every night."  
Another shiver run through Shinpachi, but this not as far as pleasant as the previous one. That drunkard was making passes at his Sano? He didn't even notice how the quality of his embrace changed from sure to possessive, or the accomplished smirk on Sano's face. The only thing he could think of was, how to keep Sano from running back into his former lover's arms.  
„Well...I don't mind, but..." saphire eyes bore themselves through amber with an intensity that sent pleasent jolts between Sano's legs. „I doubt he's as good as I am." And with that said, Shinpachi cupped the bulge in Sano's pants and squeezed.

Sano gasped sharply and his head fell back, red hair flying around him in a ruby mess. Strong hips jerked forward, seeking more of the friction, but Shinpachi pulled away, evil smirk playing on his lips. Only after Sano settled down again, did he touch the telltale tent in Sano's leggins, stroking lightly. The sounds Sano made were a symphony to Shinpachi's ears and he was just about to proceed to the next stage, when from the doorway an ironic voice spoke.

„I don't believe this." The two of them turned their heads to the direction, only to see Heisuke scowling down on them. „You horny geezers! I get the lecture, while you two get the fun all to yourselves!"  
„Life's a bitch, learn to deal with it."  
„I'll kill you, Shinpat-suan."  
„I'm afraid you'll have to line up after Sano, Heisuke."  
Sano grunted in agreement, before groaning in pleasure once again. Heisuke shook his head and came to sit down next to them, while Shinpachi stopped his movements and Sano climbed down from his lover's lap shakily.  
„I wonder how you'll talk when I get a concussion. I swear Hijikata-san's blows are getting stronger with each time."  
„Did he hit you again?"  
Heisuke scoffed. „My head hurts." Then he gave Shinpachi a sharp glare. „And you're not making it better."  
Shinpachi smiled sheepishly.  
Sano cleared his throat to get the roughness of pleasure out of his voice, but it still sounded a good deal deeper and huskier than usually, the strain of arousal obvious as he spoke. „Maybe we should really do something about them. A sexually frustrated vice-commander is never good for the ones who serve beneath him."  
Shinpachi saw Heisuke's face flush, as the boy realized from the sound of that voice, just how uncomfortable Sano had to be and stutter a „Y...Yeah" before finally averting his aqua eyes.  
Shinpachi on the other hand, couldn't look away.

The handsom, angular face, flushed with arousal.

The ruby hair, halfway unfastened and disarray.

The sparkling amber eyes, clouded with lust.

The full lips, swollen and beconing to be kissed.

The deep voice, strained with pleasure.

Shinpachi found himself comparing that man to the boyish Heisuke, who still blushed and stuttered when embarassed and whose voice always rather went an octave higher when he was aroused, than deepened.

Shinpachi considered himself a lucky man.

Not many had the privilege to have two such lovers at their sides. One a tough and expierienced man, with depth in his eyes and a spirit shaped, moulded, burned and branded by life itself,- the other a boy who aspired to become a man, innocent and full of ideals, the uncouth youth sincere within him.

Oh yes, Shinpachi was a lucky man.

A small smirk found it's way onto his face.  
„That's true. We can't leave Hijikata-san missing so much out of life."  
They both looked at him with questioning gazes.  
„What are you saying Shinpat-suan?"  
„I'm not going to like this, I know I'm not."  
Shinpachi laughed evilly.  
„We'll be their angels of love!"  
„Huh?"  
„Oh no..." Sano groaned.  
„Men, it's time to do some serious matchmaking!"  
„Eeeeeh?!"  
„I knew it...I knew you were going to say something like this." A bandaged hand went to cover a handsom face, while another set of aqua eyes stared in horror at him. Shinpachi smirked.

„But first, we have some unfinished business."

With that he grabbed both of his lovers and yanked them into his lap, swallowing their every protest with his lips.

 

ox*xo-*-*-*–ox*xo


	2. The first try

**PART 2 – The first try**

Saitou had always been considered a rebel and deviant. 

His lefthandedness and the lack of attempts to correct it, deemed him a traitor to the bushido and everything that should be holy to a warrior. To give him some credit, he did try and fight with his right hand, but no matter what he did, it never felt natural and right and neither did he reach the level of skill as he did, when he let his left hand guide the sword. So, in order to become a master swordsman, he allowed himself this small deviation and decided to follow the other rules strictly, truly and with will of steel, not to be bound or broken in resolve.  
But still, it never seemed enough. People whispered, covering their mouths and pointed his way, whenever he walked down the street and looked at him with disdain, but also a certain fascination in their eyes, but never spoke to him directly. And when he looked at them, they avoided his eyes and quieted down, but as soon as he averted his gaze from them, the whispers arose again. 

And then he’d come across a small dojo named Shieikan.

And what avaited him there was something completely different from the usual behavior that greeted him. They didn’t treat him like a monster, or told him to lead the sword with his right hand. They didn’t treat him as an abomination, or a traitor, a disgrace to all the ones with the privilege of carrying two swords. No such thing. Instead the kind instructor, made out of what had always been considered a handicap, Saitou’s advantage. There was little chance that any of their enemies had fought a left-handed warrior and thus, they couldn’t have a good defense in store against him.

And he’d proven to be right.

The friend of the instructor, a man of a honorable personality and a brave heart, known by the name of Hijikata Toushizou-san, had seen it the same way. But, from what Saitou had heard, he didn’t have the right background to judge that. A person who hadn’t grown up a warrior, saw things in a different angle than the one who had been raised and trained to the right to carry two swords since he could walk. But that didn’t mean that his intake was wrong. Saitou had always taken Hijikata-san’s words to heart, no matter how off they seemed. Most of the times such words were, though odd, often also the wisest ones. 

With the other guests and students of the dojo, it had been a different matter altogether. 

Many of the members were raised warriors and looked at Saitou’s sword with misgiving, but to the taciturn males great surprise, all it took was one fight to convince them, that this was the only rigth way for Saitou to choose.   
Especially Okita-kun. The prowess they showed each other on the training grounds, the equality of their level of skill and the sheer challenge in their fight, woke a completely new feeling in the both of them. Saitou had felt it and he was sure, Souji felt it too. The fight had ended in a draw, and when their eyes met in with looks of respect passing between them, a new friendship begun to bloom.  
The moment was interrupted by a cheerfull Toudou-kun (who had, upon hearing that name spoken, waved with his hand disregardingly and told him merrily to ’just call him Heisuke’) announcing rather loudly how good the match had been and what a great swordsman Saitou was.  
When Saitou had pointed out that he had used his left hand, Heisuke just waved again disregardingly and told him (again in a rather higher sound resolution than was absolutely necessary) that such details didn’t matter as long as he was so good.  
Then Harada-san, ho had been silent untill then, shrugged his shoulders and agreed with Heisuke. The technique didn’t matter, as long as there was honor in his heart. (It wasn’t until later, when Saitou found out that the proud warrior was actually a spear wielder, that those words had gained an even deeper meaning.)  
Nagakura-san didn’t say anything, just looked at Saitou with those deep, knowing, seeing blue eyes, that kept watching him and the next day challenged him to a practice match, their look a mirror of determination. After Saitou had won, Nagakura-san just smiled and thanked him for the good match, his bow refelcting pure appreciation and the acknowledgement of fair loss, and then walked away. They were friends since then.

And before Saitou knew it, he had found a place where he belonged. 

A place where he had comrades and friends, people he could trust and rely on.

A place where he was respected and loved.

And so he stayed there. 

He stayed with his comrades and friends, trained with them, drank sake with them, and relaxed with them. Though he never joined the actual banter, he always enjoyed their company and never let a well-meant invitation to a drink down. The others also seemed to understand and feel this, because Saitou, even if he rarely joined their games and fun time, was frequently invited to go with them ’for a few’. He never turned it down. 

Saitou recalled the times in the small dojo in the outskirts of Edo, as the happiest ones in his life, even though he never told that anyone. 

He had found a place where his heart could find peace, a place where people cared about his well-being and a place where honorable men gathered. He would go drink with Sano, Shinpachi and Heisuke, train with Okita and for once in his life not be deemed as a deliquent.

And then there was Hijikata-san.

Somewhere between their endless discussions, that were though calm on the surface, but heated and passionate beneath, and their silent companionshhip, that didn’t say any words, but conveyed so much, Saitou’s feelings had gotten deeper than comraderie.  
For a long time Saitou didn’t understand this change, didn’t know what it was, that he was feeling, or how far the extent of his feelings went. But then, one time, one look, a breath of a moment and he knew.

It had happened during one of their discussions, when Hijikata-san finished explaining his opinion about the progressive westernization of the country with a huff from the subconsciously pursed lips, his cheeks aflamed with passion, the look in the midnight purple eyes ablaze, challenging, daring anyone to argue with him, when his gaze wandered to Saitou for a moemnt, the quality of it changing to something softer, like he was asking for the taciturn swordsman’s opinion...He looked beautiful like that, filled with scorching passion and determination, covered by a cool surface of will of steel...and what a handsom surface it was!  
Saitou’s breath caught, his heart skipped a beat, his throat was suddenly very dry and he was at loss of words at the beauty that appeared in front of him.

That was when he first realized it.

He loved Hijikata-san.

This realization had hit him harder than any boken of a comrade, or a sword of an enemy. He had promptly excused himself and retreated to his room, where he, once left to the privacy of the dark, calmed his heart and tried to approach the matter rationally. It would be inconvenient for Hijikata-san if a fellow from the dojo fell for him. Surely it was improper for a younger male to approach an older male. Propriety dictated, it should be other way around. And if Saitou confessed his feelings and Hijikata-san didn’t feel the same way, then it would be uncomfortable for the both of them to be around each other. And that was a price that Saitou was not, under any circumstance, ready to pay. Hijikata-san’s friendship meant a world to him and he was not willing to let it go just yet. Everything the raven-haired male had given him, every moment of them being together, sitting across each other and either enjoying the silence, or talking about issues that were of interest to the both of them, was a prescious pearl to Saitou, kept deep in his heart.

So he opted for keeping his feelings a secret and enjoyed Hijikata-san’s company instead. Untill he heard about the trouble, that housing so many master of the way of the sword, brought upon the dojo. Those that had already mastered their style didn’t need to pay for their stay and the dojo lacked new students that would pay tuition and thus the dojo lacked financial means.

Saitou thought about it just for a little while, before he packed his belongings and silently left. He didn’t want to cause more trouble to the people who had only been kind to him, even though, in his heart he wanted nothing more than to stay and be with the one he loved secretly. But worse than having to leave his beloved, it was to be a burden to that person, and so, one day, he grabbed his bag and disappeared into the darkness of the early morning hours, without looking back.

It was his intetion to never return, never cause so much trouble again, untill he happened to hear about a certain Kondo Isami-san building a corps that would fight the unrest connected with the Choushuu clan, that arose in the capital city. He had stored the information away for later, since at the time he didn’t have an oportunity to ask about the details. But the next morning, whomever he asked, no one could tell him anything about Kondo Isami, or a special corps at the capital.   
Three things prompted Saitou to turn on his journey around and head towards the capital: His curiosity, the fact that it seemed like Kondo-san needed any helpfull hand which gave Saitou the chance to pay at least a little of the kindness Kondo-san showed him back....and the thought of seeing Hijikata-san and the need to see that man again, that he had kept supressing for a long time.  
Maybe he would finally get the chance to face his feelings and maybe, just maybe, the situation would be suitable to act upon them, at least subtly. If Hijikata-san felt the same way, he would get the hint and then he would know, that any advance he wanted to make on Saitou was welcome.

But the situation wasn’t suitable.

If anything, it was even worse than in Shieikan.

And so Saitou decided, that his feelings, however deep they had become over the time he was away, were not as important as helping Kondo-san and Hijikata-san was. Alas he did just that – he helped the two men however he could, contributing with his little to the Shinsengumi, taking at least a small part of the burden from Hijikata-san’s and Kondo-san’s shoulders, easing their hardships just a little.

And that was where he stood today. 

And it was more than probable, that it would be where he remained standing untill his death.

„This has been going on for an awfully long time, don’t you think?" 

The cheerfull voice brought him back to reality and he turned around to face his friend. It was curios how he and Heisuke were different and yet at the same time, had a few things remarkably in common. For example their age. And if things had developed differently, if Saitou wasn’t so stubbornly left-handed, maybe he would be more like Heisuke today, youthfull and carefree...but that was just wishfull thinking. It hadn’t happened and it could not be changed, so it was meaningless to think about it. So he stoped doing that and offered a nod and a greeting instead.

„Heisuke. What has been going on?"

Heisuke rolled his eyes. 

„Your crush on Hijikata-san, of course!"  
Saitou froze in surprise, but Heisuke didn’t seem to notice and kept ranting on how just about everyone and their grandmothers apparently know and how he should finally do something about it, because he couldn’t keep watching this wannabe drama anymore.  
„Just tell him already!" he finished, throwing his arm in the air to emphasize his point and then he added. „That’s how I did it. And it proved to be very successfull."  
Saitou would have pointed out the subtle differences between Hijikata-san and Shinpachi, if he wasn’t still in shock. Did really everyone know?   
„Just go to him, stand in front of him and tell him: ’Hijikata-san, I’ve loved you for years now, date me,’ or something like that. It’s not that hard and you and Hijikata-san always talk loads, so what’s holding you back?"

This woke Saitou from his freeze.

„It wouldn’t be apropriate, Heisuke. He’s a lot older than I am and he has to make the first move."  
The palm of Heisuke’s right hand found hhis forehead with a loud smack, the wandered down his face, where it barely concealed a heavy sigh.  
„You sound like Sano-san and Shinpat-suan. They always say that."  
„They’re right."  
„But they still didn’t protest when I confessed to Shinpat-suan." Saitou didn’t reply and Heisuke sighed again. „Then at least why don’t you do what you can? Drop a few subtle hints, or something?"  
To be honest, Saitou couldn’t give an answer to that. He didn’t know why he had never hinted it to Hijikata-san, why he never let any of his emotions surface in the slightest way, never allowing himself a crack in his armor. Why was he hesitating? He wasn’t sure he wanted to know the answer to that, even though he already felt it deep inside of him.  
„This isn’t Shieikan, or the Roshigumi, Hajime-kun."  
Saitou looked in surprise at Heisuke again. How much did this young man know? How much had Saitou showed when he thought that no one was looking? Unaware of his troubled thoughts, Heisuke went on.  
„And now is actually a pretty uneventfull, peacefull time. Hijikata-san is only busy with paperwork and an official here and there. Now is actually the perfect time to confess to him. I’m sure it would lift his spirits!"  
Saitou considered this. Heisuke might have been as well right and if he was honest with himself, it was really high time to face his feelings instead of running away from them, Saitou thought and finally nodded.  
„I’ll see what I can do, Heisuke."  
The boyish face lit up and Heisuke grinned.  
„That’s great! That’s the Hajime-kun I know!" Suddenly he snapped his fingers as seemingly an idea came to him. „Hey, I know! You could use Tani-san as an example!“  
This made Saitou lift both of his eyebrows up. „Tani-san?“  
„Yeah!" Heisuke confirmed and proceeded to promptly explain this particular idea. "Since he joined us, he’s been after Sano-san and he’s making no secret of it. It’s pretty obvious he wants him. If you use him as an example, Hijikata-san will understand, that you are subtly trying to convey your own interest in him.“   
Saitou didn’t feel entirely as convinced as Heisuke apparently was. „I’m not so sure if this will work, Heisuke.“  
Heisuke just waved his hand dismissively, in a manner similar to the one he used during their first meeting. Somehow it felt reassuring and it brought a little hope to Saitou. „Trust me, Hajime-kun! After all, I am the one who managed to get two adult men into his bed!“  
Saitou would have pointed out that neither Sano, nor Shinpachi were even remotely close to how Hijikata-san was, if he wasn’t busy chiding Heisuke for using such blunt language improper for an executor of the Shinsengumi and employee of the Aizu clan. Heisuke just laughed.  
„Stop being so uptight, Hajime-kun." He just said. „You need to be more obvious about things, if you want them.“

And with that at least, as Saitou noted, Heisuke was right.

ox*xo

„The first and most important thing to bring our plan success, is the nudity factor.“

It was in the backyard when Nagakura Shinpachi spoke these words to his two lovers, seated across of him on the stairs, as they were trying to come up with a plan how to secure their vice-commander a permanent lay, in the form of one Saitouu Hajime. 

„Do you understand?“

Heisuke blushed, while Sano looked at him blankly.

„We have to assure that Hijikata-san sees Saitou when he’s naked. Seeing their secret crush naked would stirr up any man, even if their will was of steel, forged in hell’s fire! Now you’ll be probably curious how we achieve that Hijikata-san sees Saitou naked. Don’t worry, I have already thought about it. Here’s the plan: We’ll do it at night. Heisuke, you’ll go and steal Saitou’s clothes when he sleeps, while you, Sano,...“  
„Wait a sec there, Shinpachi.“ Sano interrupted him with a scowl, while Heisuke looked just sick. „Last time I checked, Hijikata-san wasn’t a horny, broke idiot, who wears ridiculous headbands and buys clothes that look expensive, but have in fact been acquired at the big spring sale on the market.“  
Shinpachi scowled. „Why are you comparing Hijikata-san to me? He’s not me!“  
„Exactly. That’s why your plan will never work. Not only because Hijikata-san isn’t you, but also because Saitou would never punch Hijikata-san.“  
Sano gave him a pointed look and Heisuke, who regained a bit of his natural color, looked back and forth between them.  
„That’s true. You never told me the story of how you two have gotten together.“  
„Because you’re too young for that story.“  
Before Heisuke could protest, Sano stood up. 

„So I’m sure that I’m not mistaken, when I say, that the trick of getting Hijikata-san to fuck Saitou lies in creating the right atmosphere. Stars, moonshine and all that, maybe a nice sunset. Throw in some sake to loosen their inhibitions and maybe flowers for good measure. They’ll be shacking before you can say ’Hook, Line and Sinker’.“  
Shinpachi raised an eyebrow and crossed his arms at his chest. „Last time I checked, Hijikata-san wasn’t a redhaired pervert.“   
„Why you jerk!!!“  
„And Saitou wouldn’t have the nerve to stick his hands down Hijikata-san’s hakama.“   
Ignoring the last statement, Sano was ready to charge and show Shinpachi just who was a redheaded pervert, when Heisuke stood himself between them.

„No, no, NO! You both see it the wrong way! Saitou has to make the first move, show his interest, or Hijikata-san will never get it!“  
„NO!“ the both of them turned to Heisuke, their voices sounding like one.  
„Last time I checked, Saitou wasn’t a smartass Edo-boy.“  
„Like you are better, Shinpat-suan!“  
„And last time I checked, Saitou didn’t talk-back to his superiors!“  
„Squad-vise, I’m above you, Sano-san!“  
„Like hell you are!!!“

They were about to jump at each other, when a fourth voice sounded from right beside them.

„That’s an interesting conversation you are having.“

The three of them moved simultanously, as they jerked and turned on their heels, to be greeted by the sight of a wickedly smirking Okita Souji.

„Fill me in about it.“

ox*xo

Hijikata Toushizou had never shown much interest in nanshoku. 

Neither had ever that peculiar interest been directed at him.

As son of one of the lower clases, and a man who grew up on the land, he was far away from the temptations of the city and the pastimes of the rich and highclass.   
He didn’t mind it, though.  
He had always seen nanshoku as something that was not necessary to indulge in and also very dangerous, an opinion that his medical background allowed him to make. 

And still.

And still, here he was, watching, admiring and writing poems to a young, charming, beautiful male. 

He felt like such a fool.

Thinking that he could never give into the tempting sight of a man in his young years. Greater men had surrendered this temptation and Hijikata Toushizou had no right to judge them. But he was the vice-commander of the Shinsengumi, the demon, the one everyone feared, so it was also not in his rights to pursue his interests. 

„Vice commander.“

Even if his entire being ached just to do that.

With that thought in his head, he turned to the man that called out to him with such a strong and yet so gentle voice. 

Eyes blue like the water of the frozen lakes of the northern island looked deeply into his nightblue hues and Hijikata had to swallow to hold his passion back. He reminded himself of self-restraint and discipline and what was written about it in the bushido, to be able to answer in a composed voice, while looking straight into those fascinating eyes.

„Saitou. Is something the matter?“

„I need to talk to you, vice commander. About some of our newly joined members.“

Hijikata’s eyebrows rose. 

Since Serizawa’s assasination and Aizu taking them under their wings, many people were joining them, looking for a place where they could put their skills to good use, or rise up to fame. Hijkata never really cared for their reasons, as long as they could wield a sword with skill, they were welcome in their organization. 

„Why, is there some problem?“

Of course he expected some troubles, but that was the reason why he compiled their rules, that earned him his nickname ’the demon vice-commander’. He had hoped that it would be enough for everyone to accept and act according to those rules. 

„Not an immediate problem, vice-commander.“  
Hijikata’s eyebrows went higher. If there wasn’t a problem, why was Saitou approaching him on the issue? It wasn’t like the handsom swordsman, to bother his superior over nothing. Saitou was too considerate for that.   
„I just thought you should be informed about what’s been going on.“  
Then maybe even if there wasn’t a problem, Saitou thought it could become one and thought it was better for his superior to know.  
Hijikata nodded.   
Yes, that sounded like Saitou. The loyal man would never keep from him something that could be later of importance.  
„Go on, I’m listening.“

„I noticed Tani-san has certain...preferences for his sexual partners.“ 

Hijikata frowned in thought and didn’t even notice the stripe of color tainting Saitou’s cheeks a light shade of red. 

„Preferences?“

Hijikata was confused. Why would any preferences that one of their executors had, bother Saitou?

The younger man drew a small breath.

„I have noticed, that he has been investing a lot of time and energy in courting Sano-san.“  
Hijikata’s eyes widened in realization. If one of his executors wasted prescious time and energy on nanshoku, time and energy he could invest into more important things, like fullfilling his duties as a Shinsengumi and serving the Aizu clan, of course the honorable man that was Saitou would find it displeasing and feel the need to report it to his superior.

„Do not speak any further.“ Hijikata noticed the slight stiffening of Saitou’s body, the subject obviously uncomfortable for the other male. A pang of disappointment went through his chest, but he supressed it. At least he knew now how Saitou thought about the subject. „I understand.“

Saitou’s eyebrows lifted themselves an inch.

„You do?“

Hijikata nodded with a serious expression on his face. In spite of his disappointment, the situation was highly concerning. If an executor had nothing on his mind but nanshoku and was willing to offer so much time and enegry into it, who knew what else he would be able to do. The Shinsengumi couldn’t afford internal fights. And the gods themselves knew, how Tani-san and Shinpachi got when their thickheadedness surfaced.

„I will take necessary action immediately.“

A light shade of red graced the pale man’s cheeks, one that Hijikata didn’t understand. 

„But vice-commander!“

Maybe there was already something going on, in the privacy of the rooms? Well then, there was only one more thing in his might left to do.

„Don’t worry Saitou. I will make a rule, that officially bans all nanshoku activities from our organization!“

Saitou didn’t say anything, just looked at him with an unreadable expression, his lips slightly parted, probably analyzing the plan and finding no mistake in it. His silence seemed approving to Hijikata and the vice-commander smirked into himself, disappointment almost gone. If he could impress Saitou like this, he was content. He would get his victories where he could and keep his dreams in the privacy of his room.

„I will start working on it immediately.“

With that he turned around and left, not wanting to stay behind in pleasing the pale-skinned man. He never noticed the look of utter defeat and longing the beautiful male gave his retreating back.

ox*xo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, I'm probably using too much US comics gestures when I write Heisuke, but it seems to fit to him and his personality as I write him. He is the type that would use many gestures to emphasize his speech, so I hope you forgive me this once.


	3. The second try

Lunch had been, in spite of the situation, an uneventfull business. Besides the occassional banter for food, small teasings and arguing over nothing, no significant happenings marked the event. No embarrassed coughs, or telltale looks, stolen between the moments, when no one looked. No unspoken words hanging in the air, or anything else that would give away the longing in two lonely hearts. Nothing. 

Nothing that was besides the usual.

Simply nothing.

It was unsettling, to say the least. 

It couldn’t be, that if you supposedly gave your secret crush a hint, you didn’t feel at least a little giddy. Not that anyone expected Saitou to give them a prime example of anticipating giddiness, just...something. Anything, really. Any kind of reaction, from a faint, barely noticeable blush to a few stolen glances would have been perfectly normal. But Saitou’s face remained as unphased as Hijikata’s. Though, Shinpachi did catch a few sad looks from the taciturn man directed at Hijikata-san and Sano caught a few glimpses of confused looks that their demon vice sent Saitou, but that was about it. It was just one time, that Hijikata-san’s and Saitou’s looks met and they promptly looked the other way.  
Sano and Shinpachi exchanged exasperated looks. Whatever Heisuke said to Saitou, it seemed to have shot to a different direction, than planned. And that kid was oblivious to it all, making appreciative sounds at the food in front of him. 

How typical.

They sighed simultanously. They needed to get this fixed and promptly, preferably before the entire thing escalated into a disaster, that their organisation couldn’t afford.

It was time for plan A.

x*x

After lunch, most of the executors remained sitting, or stood around on the veranda, enjoying a light conversation, or the last last sips of their tea, stealing themselves a few more moments before returning to whatever business they had going on, or the work they needed to complete until the day was over. 

As usualy, Hijikata-san excused himself first, the ever dutiful Saitou following his example after a few seconds. Hijikata-san headed straight to his office, without ever looking back, but Saitou remained standing there for a few moments, his gaze lingering on the retreating back of his superior officer, when his ears suddenly picked up the rest of the conversation from beside him.

„Just get him there, I’ll take care of the rest."  
„Alright. How much do you need?"  
„Give me a short while, but it shouldn’t take longer than you need. Just give me a few spare moments to prepare- Saitou!"

The young swordsman saw the expression on the angular face change from secretiveness to startlement when Shinpachi noticed him and as even the usually composed Sano whipped around in surprise, his icy eyes narrowed slightly, in suspicion.

„Shinpachi, Sano." He approached them while watching their expressions carefully. They were smiling, but it was too terse, to be natural for those two open, expressive males. He eyed them with even greater suspicion than before. But he could do little to stop them without a solid proof of their intentions, so he said nothing, just put himself on more alert. If those two were plotting something, he shouldn’t let, under any circumstance, his guard down. It was really troublesome to deal with it afterwards, however, admittedly, also very fascinating, watching them get in and out of trouble. It also provided a good lesson for the rookies and to most of their members, not just a small entertainment. And, even though he admitted it only out of honesty to himself, a small, well-hidden part of him found amusement in their ploys. And it wasn’t like he was admitting it to anyone else than himself. Alas, he passed them with just a little bow and a simple: "Take care," before heading to the temple grounds to train. It was always better to be in what could be considered safe distance from the house when Shinpachi and Sano were plotting something. And he needed to get his mind of things.

As he passed them, the two of them visibly relaxed and exchanged glances. 

From his peripheral vision, Saitou saw Heisuke emerge from the dining room, stretching himself in content, loudly praising the meal, but then Saitou rounded the corner and heard no more of the conversation, nor did he see how Heisuke turned to his two partners in crime and narrowed his eyes in a manner similar to as Saitou just a few moments before him.

„Hey, what are you two plotting?"

Sano and Shinpachi didn’t answer. Instead, exchanghing another look, they pointed into different directions, Sano to the one where Hijikata’s office laid, Shinpachi towards the corner Saitou disappeared behind moments ago and without any other word, they parted, leaving a dumbfounded Heisuke torn between which of them to follow.

„Hey! Wait, what are you...Argh, damnit! Why do you always leave me out of things?!!!"

ox*xo

Saitou was training on raising his attack speed, when Shinpachi entered the temple grounds, boken in his hands. He spotted Saitou immediately and approached him, calling out to him. 

„Hey, Saitou!" he held up the wooden sword. „Want to train with something that actually fights back?"

Saitou eyed him for a contemplaiting moment. The last he had seen Shinpachi a short while ago, he had been busy plotting something with Sano and Saitou wasn’t so sure if it was safe to be in direct contact with the blue-eyed swordsman yet.  
In hindsight though, Shinpachi had a point with ’something that fights back’. It was surely better training to fight an oponent who could come up with an actual strategy, than practicing alone.  
So Saitou figured, that as long as he didn’t let his guard down, it was alright.

He nodded at Shinpachi and took notice of the wicked grinn spreading on his friend’s face and he narrowed his eyes suspiciously. Having learned the basic expressions of his friend’s face, Saitou knew from the way that the azure eyes sparkled, that something was up. 

He raised his boken and cleared his head.

Even if there was something up, he would deal with it when it came. Now there were more important things to focus on. For a while they just stared at each other, trying to read the movement in the oponent’s eyes, when Shinpachi suddenly moved, his sword adjusting to a downward slash. Saitou didn’t hesitate a second, prepairing his sword to a parry and a following thrust.  
The tips of their wooden weapons were an inch apart, when suddenly Shinpachi changed his stance, opting for a slash across instead. Saitou, realizing the feint, reacted instantly and the wood met in a loud thwacking noise and a rain of splinters.   
They pushed against each other, then sprung apart, the momentum bringing several feet of distance between them. For several moments they eyed each other again, then charged with a viscious ferocity and another stream of splinters flooded over them again.

„What is it Saitou? You seem distracted?!" Shinpachi called out with a lethal smirk on his lips, the one that usually settled on his face when he grasped the weakness of his opponent and was ready to strike it. Saitou knew how formidable and precise Shinpachi was in his attacks, when he knew the weakest point to hit, but the taciturn male didn’t let his face betray the raise in alert he felt was necessary. One always had to be on alert when he fought Nagakura Shinpachi. Straight, honest and fair in the usual daily affairs, Shinpachi became a real beast once he held a sword. Merciless to his oponents and ruthless to enemies, the otherwise cheerfull male was known for not holding back when it came to exploiting your weakest points. A feared monster among those who had gotten a taste of his sword. Saitou had his fair share of expierience fighting monsters and he would decidedly not give Shinpachi a cheap fight, but he still raised his cautiousness when he saw that infamous grinn. He wouldn’t make this easy for Shinpachi. However the next words that his friend said, caught him really off guard. 

„Is what happened this morning upsetting you really that much?!“

Now that was something that Saitou had not expected to leave his friend’s mouth, but he had to admit, it struck precisely and deeply as ever. For a moment, Saitou froze in his movement, his focus lost in the surprise the strong male caused and that one moment, the split of a second of lost focus was enough for Shinpachi. Saitou realized the mistake in his defense, but this time Shinpachi was faster and in a moment of movement, his boken was flying out of Saitou’s hands, the tip of Shinpachi’s wooden blade pointed straight at his heart. Saitou couldn’t but think how fitting it was. After all, it was his heart that had given up on this fight. 

Shinpachi had won.

They withdrew from their stances and bowed to each other, but Saitou was still distraught. How could he have let it come this far? His sword skills were suffering, even though now they seemed to be the only thing he could offer to his love. And yet...

Saitou had lost.

Lost a honorable fight, because his heart wasn’t in it. Even though it was only a practice match, Saitou wasn’t idealistic enough to believe that it couldn’t happen in a real fight, in which case, he would be dead. And dead he would be of little use to anybody, much less to Hijikata-san. But if his heart was distracted because of Hijikata-san... Saitou stopped the thought before it formed. He was not to be blaming his honorable superior for his own failings. That he let his thoughts wander into that way, proved to him only how much he had strayed from his path. He strictly needed to meditate on this matter. But first he needed to pay his respects to Shinpachi. His friend had not only won the fight fair and square, he made Saitou realize a few things, that he couldn’t come to on his own. 

However, as Saitou looked into the tall male’s eyes to properly congratulate him to the victory, he was surprised to see instead of joy the one thing he never expected to see in his friend’s eyes: sadness. 

It made his breath catch.

But before he could say anything, Shinpachi beat him to it.

„Would have never thought that someone like you would let himself get so vexed.“

There was nothing happy, or malicious in that sentence, just a deep-seated feeling that went beyond anything Shinpachi had ever showed a living being. A feeling of apprehension settled through Saitou and for a moment a terrifying thought came to him: Could his friend be worried about him?

Before he could contemplate that thought, Shinpachi spoke again.

„You got it really hard for Hijikata-san, don’t you?“

Saitou wasn’t even surprised anymore. 

„How do you know?“

He never expected Shinpachi to show such a huge knowledge about his fellows, but then again, everyone seemed to underestimate Shinpachi in these kinds of things. Not once had the strong male surprised them with revelations of issues no one else, not even Sano, seemed to know about in their entirety.

Shinpachi sighed.

„It’s not that hard to figure out. You went to talk to Hijikata-san this morning and since then, you look like some weird two-legged incarnation of a ghost.“

It didn’t take Saitou too long to put two and two together. 

„Heisuke.“

After all, the short captain could have been the only reason that Shinpachi knew about his morning talk. Heisuke had been the one to suggest it, after all.

Shinpachi nodded sideways, in half a confirmation.

„Heisuke and then some.“

That was unexpected. Was there anyone else who knew about his feelings towards their vice-commander? Saitou raised his eyebrows at his friend and Shinpachi sighed again.

„Saitou, please forgive me for saying this, but you couldn’t be more obvious. I don’t think _I_ was this obvious when I was chasing Sano.“

Saitou frowned. It was the first time he heard he was obvious. Hijikata-san had always praised him for subtlety.

Shinpachi shook his head.

„The way you watch him. The way you listen when he talks. The way you always take his side. The way you follow him, every time he leaves. The way you support him. The way you _look_ at him. You always get this melancholical look on your face, like you should start sprouting cheesy haiku full of devotion and love any moment. You should see yourself.“

Saitou gave Shinpachi a look. What was his friend saying? That everyone could read him easily, when the vice-commander was near? That he had let go of his hard trained self-control in the presence of not only his superior but the others too? It couldn’t be, could it? He couldn’t have let go of something he had worked so hard for. He had always practiced his self-control and now he was hearing that he had failed? Saitou narrowed his eyes, studying his friend intently.

Shinpachi returned his stare steadily, his eyes not wavering.

Or maybe, it came to Saitou, it was just that some people just read him better. Maybe to Shinpachi he was just as much of an open book as Sano was. Shinpachi had always been more perceptive than people gave him credit for and since he had gotten together with Sano, who with his keen eyes saw things escalating before they even started to develope, he became even better at seeing people’s hearts.

Or maybe Saitou really couldn’t hide anything if it came to his feelings to Hijikata-san. Maybe the depth of his emotions was too large to hide. 

He seriously needed to meditate.

„So?“ Shinpachi’s voice brought him back to reality. „What did Hijiikata-san say to you, that had you so distracted?“

No matter how he trusted Shinpachi, or how much his friend already seemed to know, Saitou really didn’t want to talk about it. And it wasn’t his issue to deal with. What Hijikata-san was doing, was sorely Hijikata-san’s decision and if he wanted to ban nanshoku activities from the shinsengumi, because he thought it to be for the best of their organization, it wasn’t Saitou’s place to complain.

But Shinpachi’s eyes were too blue, too honest and too worried, too deep and too much wanting to help, that Saitou couldn’t let him stand there without an answer. Especially not, if the newest rule would essentially disturb the ’arrangement’ Shinpachi was currently involved in.

And so Saitou told him about the encounter he had this morning with the vice-captain and the new rule it provoked.

Saitou didn’t think his short-tempered, straight-forward friend would take the news well, in fact he expected nothing short of an explosion, but Shinpachi surprised him yet again. His friend didn’t cry out in shock and anger, neither did he clench his fist and slamm it into the enarest available hard surface. The only reaction Shinpachi gave was a nod.

„I see. And now you think that Hijikata-san is banning nanshoku activities from the Shinsengumi not to get intimate with you.“ 

As soon as those words were out, they struck a chord very deep in Saitou and the young man faltered. How did Shinpachi do this? How could that short-tempered man hit the root of the problem without even trying?

Saitou didn’t deny that it had been the first thought that came to him, after Hijikata-san uttered those words, but he had efficiently supressed it and locked it deep within himself, so that it never surfaced. He was not supposed to think such things. Whatever Hijikata-san did, Saitou was sure, it was of the sincerest intentions to the Shinsengumi and strictly unpersonal. Saitou’s feelings had for sure nothing to do with it and it was selfish and egoistical of him to feel hurt because of his vice-commander’s decision.

But something in Shinpachi’s eyes just had the quality to bring supressed thoughts to the surface, like a nagging annoyance that won’t go away untill dealt with. Which was the proper way a man should handle his emotions, Saitou admitted. 

Feeling like a dirty, cheating, unworthy liar caught in the middle of his unhonorable ways, Saitou said nothing. 

For a long moment there was silence between them.

Then there was another sigh from across of him and the rustling of clothes as Shinpachi scratched his head in a defeated manner.

„You’re the most selfless man I know, Saitou.“

Saitou couldn’t but snort. He didn’t doubt for a second that it was Shinpachi’s honest opinion, but at the moment, he felt everything but selfless.

Shinpachi just shook his head again.

„You know what I do when I get upset?“

„You stuff yourself with food untill you can’t walk?“

Saitou didn’t know where that had come from, but he was too exhausted to show some regret over his words. Besides, it was true. Whenever Shinpachi was upset, he would showel food into himself, while cursing underneath his breath at whatever had annoyed him. Saitou wasn’t taking back his words, because they were impolite. Shinpachi wouldn’t do it either. And also, his friend looked like he should laugh any moment.

True enough, a small snort passed Shinpachi’s lips, before he retorted. „That too. But what helps best is a relaxing, hot bath.“

Saitou raised his eyebrows. A hot bath? Now, that was new. Since when did Shinpachi encourage their members to take baths when they were upset? He almost always grabbed them and took them for a drink, they somehow ended up paying. 

„You should try it. There’s nothing that soothes the nerves better, not even sex.“

Saitou fought a wave of hotness attacking his face. It was so improper how open-mouthed Shinpachi sometimes was, but saying something wouldn’t change anything. Saitou knew his friend well enough to know that any attempt to change Shinpachi would result either in a drinking party or a deathly sword duel. So instead of saying anything chastifying, he just nodded and replied. 

„I...I’ll consider it.“

„Do that!“ Shinpachi, seemingly very accomplished, grinned in answer and turned to walk away, while Saitou just watched his retreating back.

This entire situation had been very confusing.

Shinpachi had acted all too seriously the entire time and then the advice to take a hot bath, it just didn’t make sense. Why would Shinpachi tell him to take a hot bath, all of a sudden? It just wasn’t something the strong male would usualy do in such a situation. The only conclusion Saitou could thus draw, was that the situation had to be unusual in some kind of way. Suddenly another feeling of apprehension washed over him, as he realized what Shinpachi had to be getting at.

„Maybe I smell?!“

Instantly he started sniffing on his clothes. And really, he had a slightly displeasent odeur around himself. He had bathed a day ago, but it seemed that the intense heat and sword training made him sweat more intensely than usually. And someone with Shinpachi’s sense of smell would surely feel it. And a man that grew up in an urban enviroment would of course find lack of personal hygiene improper. 

And what would Hijikata-san, the son of a healer, say, if he found out that Saitou had neglected his personal hygiene? No matter what their current situation was, Saitou would never want to disappoint the vice-commander.

Without any second thought, he headed for the baths.

x*x

Sometimes, watching their vice-commander, was really quite a sight, Sano contemplated. If one paid really close attention, he could recognize strong, passionate emotions beneath a layer of cold masks, strict faces and necessary gruffness. If one looked directly into Hijikata-san’s eyes, he would see scorching passion and burning determination, and the readiness to do everything it takes to achieve the goal that had been set.   
Those were the things easily recongizable upon a second glance.  
But the ones who could look deeper than that, those who were capable of a third glance, would see the layer of doubt and unsureness beneath all that. They would see the questions behind the acts, the questions that Hijikata-san couldn’t afford having, but still were nagging him, when the vice thought no one else was there to see it. 

More often than not it was really tragic to watch the doubt spread across the otherwise so determined features, that it put even the fiercest warriors into a state of hesitation. 

But sometimes, it was also a bit funny, to watch Hijikata-san, for the lack of better word, fret. 

And sometimes, it felt downright justifying. 

It was good to know, that the demon-vice himself was sometimes nothing more and nothing less, but human.

A human being, who could mull over his decisions and question them, maybe even show a little regret over making them and having thoughts how to undo the shit he caused.   
Because right now, if Sano had to choose how to describe their vice-commander in his current state, those would have been the words he’d use. 

Hijikata-san was just sitting there, behind his table, a stack of papers within reach, but untouched, as the vice-commander seemed preoccupied with other, seemingly more important things than paperwork, for a change. 

And when it came to Hijikata-san, it wasn’t really hard to guess what could have been more important than the mountain of paperwork stacking up beside him. 

It really could have been only Saitou.

Somehow it was calming to know, that even through all of his determination to see things to an end, Hijikata-san could feel something like regrett over hurting a comrade’s emotions. Moreso if it was such a dear comrade like Saitou. It wasn’t really hard to guess the extent of their vice-commander’s feelings towards the young, taciturn master swordsman with the eyes of the color of darkest, deepest ice at night, with the moon reflecting on the surface, breaking his light into a million of patterns and rays upon the roughend surface. 

Or something like that. 

Sano shook his head, a tiny smile appearing on his face.

Who would have thought, that their gruff vice-commander, the embodiment of harsh determination and hidden emotions, could be so transparent at times...

But enough of contemplation. He was here to take some actions. 

Objective: Peace of the organization.   
Mission: Bring Hijikata-san and Saitou to finally admit their feelings towards each other.  
Methods used: Everything that was necessary.

He cleared his throat to bring the vice-commander’s undivided attention to himself. „Hijikata-san?“

He saw his vice-commander jerk with the shoulders in startlement and turn around in a bit more hasty manner than usual, which only proved to Sano the gravity of the situation. 

Hijikata-san was distracted.

Even though the vice-commander recovered from the state quick enough, it could prove to be dangerous, if not life-threatening, when a high-ranking commanding officer, of an organization like the Shinsengumi was distracted. Sano could not let this continue any longer. It was high time, that Hijikata-san got it finally on with his desired one.

„Sano.“ Hijikata-san spoke, finally out of his daze. „What is it?“

From his peripheral vision Sano saw Heisuke, whom Shinpachi had apparently briefed about the newest developement, appear around the corner and nodding at him. Not wanting to betray their plan, the spear wielder didn’t dare to even glance in young captain’s direction, so he just made a subtle gesture with his hand, indicating, that he understood and hoping that his friend caught it. It seemed so, as in the next moment, Heisuke disappeared to where he came from. 

It was all set. 

Sano had trouble surpressing the smirk that threatened to spread on his lips. The next words he would say, were crucial to things going the way he wanted to, but it was also very important not to let it show. Sano made sure his face betrayed nothing but profesionalism, as he said: „Please pardon me for disturbing, but Saitou kindly asks if you could be bothered to join him in the baths.“

Hijikata looked at him with eyes of the size of a miso bowl.

„What?“

Sano smirked invardly and mentally patted himself. 

Hijikata-san looked right now a healthy combination of bewildered, disbelieveing and hopefull and he couldn’t have spoken a clearer language to Sano: Deep down Hijikata-san regretted whatever he had said to Saitou, because he felt he had somehow upset the younger male. Hearing an invitation like that, no matter how unlikely it seemed, sparked hope in Hijikata-san, hope that not everything had been lost and that Saitou still treassured him somehow, while his mind tried to rationalize with him, that it all was probably different than it sounded.   
Sano saw how torn between utter disbelief and hopefull emotions Hijikata-san was, not wanting to believe what he was hearing and yet hoping he was hearing right, even if it was utterly impossible. 

And all because Sano had so carefully contemplated what he was going to say.

Hijikata-san should give him a raise.

But back to the present. Keeping Hijikata-san in such a torn state for too long, would prove counter-productive, so Sano elaborated, before the demon-vice came to himself and demanded an explanation.

„He detected a damage on the tub that would need you inspecting it.“

Hijikata’s chest heaved slightly and Sano would have betted his entire month’s pay that it was with disappointment, not relief.

Well done, indeed.

„I see.“ Hijikata-san rose. „I’ll inspect it immediately.“

Sano, smirking into himself, followed his vice-commander out and towards the bathing establishments a few steps behind him, but gradually let himself fall further back, into a safe distance. When they arrived at the place, in an unnoticed moment, the spear-wielder took a dive into the bushes, where Shinpachi and Heisuke were waiting for him, already eagerly awaiting what would unfold before their eyes.

x*x

Saitou let himself sink into the hot wetness and a soft sigh left him. Shinpachi’s words earlier had really distracted him, but now that he could relax, thoughts about the previous events started invading his mind. 

It looked like Hijikata-san didn’t think approvingly about nanshoku. But then again, Saitou himself had heard and read a lot of unsettling things about the practice, and someone with a medical background like Hijikata-san had surely twice as much knowledge than a simple gokenin like him, and might consider the male ways disconcerting, if not downright dangerous.   
While this was understandable, Saitou found himself a little frustrated about the fact. After all, three of their members were practicing nanshoku on a regular basis together, in their curious, yet seemingly comfortable threesome and neither of them had been heard to complain (besides Heisuke, but that was more the youthfull zeal and ambitions, rather than pain and discomfort, speaking).

So maybe Hijikata-san was over-reacting.

As soon as he thought that, Saitou reprimanded himself and shook his head to get the disturbing thought out. One must not think badly about his superiors. Especially not if they were such honorable men like Hijikata-san.   
Maybe Hijikata-san had never been faced with such an expierience and was because of that a little prejudiced?   
Saitou admittedly had no expierience in the field either, but he tried to be open-minded about it. Though, that was more out of necessity, than by his own choice. Being friends with Shinpachi, Sano and Heisuke just required being open-minded. 

And then it happened to him.

He fell in love with a man himself.

He fell in love with his vice-commander.

He fell in love with Hijikata-san.

And now he had a problem.

How could he achieve that Hijikata-san changed his mind? Was that even possible to accomplish? Could he do that? Or was it better to forget and move on, and watch from afar? Could anything convince Hijikata-san of the oposite of what he believed?

Saitou higly doubted it. There was no man under the Sun, who had more resolve in his heart than Hijikata-san. It was one of the qualities, that Saitou loved on that man so much. And yet...and yet...he wished now that there was a way how to weaken that will of steel.  
He shook his head to clear it from those invading thoughts. No, he must not think like this. It wasn’t right to think this way. He had to let go of Hijikata-san. He would hold the love still in his heart, but he would set the man free. And at the very least, it wouldn’t do good to Hijikata-san’s image, if such a spawn of the devil became such a honorable man’s lover. 

As if on cue, the person in question turned the corner.

„Saitou, I’m here. What did you...want to...show me...“  
Hijikata’s words slowly died in his throat as he took in the sight that was in front of him. 

Saitou was sitting in the hot bath, visibly enjoying himself as the warm water relaxed his usual taciturn self. His head hung back and his hair was losely tied up, revealing the pale, slender, yet muscled neck and the well-toned shoulder with a part of the defined abs. His features were relaxed and unguarded, only a slight thoughtfull frown creasing the skin of his forehead. His lips were parted like a content sigh lingered there and to Hijikata-san they were begging to be kissed.  
He found himself torn between wanting to watch the beautiful male forever and turning around on his heels in fear of being spotted, however before he could wage his options, the captivating male noticed him. 

„Hijikata-san!“ 

Saitou exclaimed in startlement and hastily stood up in respect.

„Please excuse m-“ but before he could finish the sentence, the towel that had been covering Saitou’s middle, fell from the waist, heavy with water, and revealed the man in all of his glory.   
Saitou sunk back into the water in the same instant, the heavy flush visible against his pale features, while Hijikata-san tried to cover up his own with a cough.  
„Please forgive my immodesty.“   
Hijikata nodded, looking somewhere behind Saitou, strictly avoiding eye-contact with the other male. „I take it the bathtub has no immediate damage that needs to be fixed.“ Hijikata pressed the sentence out of himself, trying to sound as calm as possible. If this was a joke, it was a very bad one.   
„I beg your pardon?“  
Hijikata shook his head, while he felt a vein on his forehead popp. What was this supposed to be? A sick joke for an equally sick amusement? He was already suffering by not allowing himself to give into his improper feelings, not to taint the purity of the other male and now he had to endure this sadistic teasing? Sincerely, he would have thought better of Sano than that. „If you happen to see Harada, tell him to come to my office.“  
With that he turned on his heels and stomped off, not noticing the flash of worry pass the icy eyes.

Behind the bushes the three partners in crime simultanously sighed.

„See? I told you it won’t work. And now Hijikata-san thinks gods-know-what.“  
„I think, Sano-san, we should go with your plan.“  
„Oh, so now you agree with me, Heisuke."  
„Would you two shut up? I think we need to scram. Saitou’s been eyeing this bush for a while. And I don’t think he’s up for a friendly chit-chat right now."  
„And whose fault is that?"  
„Sano, one more word and I’ll make Heisuke top you."  
„Like hell!"

„That’s an interesting idea, Shinpa-san." 

At the sound of the new voice the three of them jumped from where they were crouched a feet high and turned on their heels to meet esmerald eyes sparkling with mischief. 

„Would you mind if I watched?" Souji smirked.

ox*xo-*-*-*–ox*xo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notes
> 
> I really expected having troubles writing Saitou, but...it was surprisingly easy. His thoughts just came to me and before I knew it, I had written three pages of it. What was more troubling was writing him in character. I wanted him to be as cute as he's in the game, but there were a lot of situations, when I just thought „Saitou wouldn't do this, Saitou wouldn't think that." I have rewritten those parts, but I'm not sure if they still aren't totally OOC. Forgive me for being such a crappy writer...I'll stick to SanoShin in the future and spare you, I promise. v_v


	4. The third try

„Shinpachi, whatever it is you’re trying to achieve, stop it.“ were the exact words Saitou used right away, when he paid that afternoon Shinpachi a visit. 

The sturdy male had just been enjoying a cup of sake and was, unusually, all by himself, so Saitou used the oportunity to politely, but sterny reprimand his friend. Shinpachi just looked at him, eyes impossibly blue and smiled a smile that was both gentle and mischievous at the same time.

„I’m sorry, but I can’t do that.“

Saitou eyed him with a look in those dark eyes that was a mixture of curiosity and indignation but Shinpachi didn’t waver and took another sip of his sake. 

„Unless you finally go to Hijikata-san and make it clear how you feel for him.“ Something needed to happen here and if Saitou wasn’t going to do anything, he was.

Saitou’s eyes narrowed a fraction.

„May I be blunt?“  
„Go ahead.“  
„Excuse me, but I don’t see how it’s any of your concern what I tell and what I don’t tell Vice-commander.“

Shinpachi downed the rest of his drink and locked his gaze straight with Saitou’s, as azure pierced through nightblue, in it’s entire harshness and rough honesty.

„It concerns me as your friend.“

For a small moment something similar to surprise flashed through Saitou’s eyes, before the look turned ureadable again, but Shinpachi’s gaze stayed steady, never averting his glance, as he spoke.

„I understand that you do not wish anyone interferring with your private matters and that’s only natural. If you don’t wish to solve them, that’s also your prerogative. I respect that, but you also need to understand, that once your private problems start interferring with your actions, skills or duties, they stop being private. For a while it was kind of adorable, but it’s been going on for too long and it stoped being funny some time ago. To honor bluntness with bluntness, I worry about you, Saitou, and if you aren’t going to do anything against your ongoing depression, I will.“ 

Shinpachi’s voice was devoid of mockery and jokes, his voice was the epitome of seriousness and complete honesty. It startled Saitou, since he knew for a fact that it was something very rare to get that man so serious, but more than that, the words of his friend crashed over him like a wave of freezing water. They suggested, that he’d been not only neglecting his duties, but also wavering and hesitating and concequently letting his sword skills deteriorate.

And the worst thing was, that Shinpachi was right. 

Saitou hadn’t realized it, but instead of steadily moving forward, he’d been wavering, hesitating in one place for too long, untill it reflected in his sword skills he had trained so hard for, and what was imessurably worse, caused Saitou to neglect his duties and slowly working his way to becoming a nuissance to the one, he wanted to be more of use to, than to anyone else. 

And everyone had noticed, but him.

And knowing that, they wanted to help. 

Everyone else would have already laughed him out and cast him away, and yet these people, the men he considered his friends had been trying to be there for him and the only words Saitou had for them, were to mind their own business. 

No wonder Shinpachi was so serious all of a sudden. His friend had to be really angry with Saitou. 

But before he could say anything, the sound of hurried footsteps reached them and a moment later, Sano turned the corner. As soon as he spotted them sitting there, he narrowed his eyes and raised his index finger in a warning.

„You haven’t seen me.“ 

And before either of them could respond to that, he disappeared into the room, leaving the both of them staring at each other rather dumbfoundedly, wondering what that was all about.

The answer to that turned the same corner a few moments later when suddenly a dark-haired male, with slightly glazed steel eyes and cheeks flushed red, appeared form behind it. Saitou watched the face of his friend pull into a sneer, while he himself felt slight apprehension spreading within him.

It was Tani-san.

As soon as the Soujutsu Master spotted them, he waved enthusiastically, providing them with a view of the bottle of quite expensive sake in his hand and called, loud enough to be heard across the compound. 

„Heeey, guys! Wuzzup! Have you seen Sanosukeee?“ There was a slurr in his voice and there was no doubt about the situation anymore. Tani-san was drunk. Again. And he was chasing Sano. Again. 

One look at Shinpachi and Saitou knew what his answer was going to be.

„No.“

They said in unison and the combined force of their resolute answers, made Tani-san take a startled step back.

„Yo, chill man! Was just a question...Well, if you see him, tell him to see meee! I have something that he’ll liiiike...“ He said in a voice that was a strange mixture of sing-song and a purr, grinning from ear to ear. Then he waved with the bottle again and finally swaggered away.

Only after it had been quiet for several moments, did Sano reappear.

„Is he gone?“

Shinpachi nodded at him and the red-head breathed a sigh of relief, before sitting down next to his lover.

„I swear this will kill me one day. He keeps chasing me like a fucking dog, thinking that I’ll definitely give into his advances if he just pushes hard enough! He just doesn’t acknowledge that I’m not the boy he once taught, anymore.“

Before Sano could continue the rare rant, Shinpachi, whose face had meanwhile turned from annoyed to amused, interrupted him. „That’s what you get for bedding idiots.“   
Shinpachi said and gave Sano a spare cup, pouring some of the bargain sake into it. Sano wrinkled his nose, but accepted the drink nonetheless. „I guess you’ve got a point there.“ Sano gave his lover a pointed look while Shinpachi just snickered.

„And only to add to it,“ Sano continued, „Hijikata-san is going for my head too, after that...“ he cast a glance at Saitou, before he finished. „Unlucky incident. Obviously he thinks I had something to do with it.“

So Sano had also been through some trouble while trying to help Saitou and the taciturn male couldn’t help but wonder who else he had inconvenienced with his hesitation and indecisiveness.

And yet, he had to admitt that his friends were probably right and that he had to finally get a hold of the situation and move on, whatever the direction. Maybe it was the direction that this could head into that had him hesitant. Maybe he was scared of what he subconsciously felt would unevitably come to pass. 

Saitou came to the decision that he owed his friends an apology for the trouble his stupidity had put them through.

So, before the issue got swallowed up and avoided again, Saitou gathered his resolve and spoke.

„I apologize for the inconvenience.“ 

And he bowed.

There was silence for a long time and when finally Saitou raised his head to look at his friends, he was greeted by the sight of two dumbfounded and startled faces.

„What are you apologizing for, Saitou?“ Sano asked. „It’s not your fault that Tani-sensei is a jerk and that our vice-commander has his days.“

„Maybe I’m not responsible for the former, but I do blame myself for the latter. It has been my ignorance of the matter that caused this situation to arise.“ Sano already drew a breath to protest, but Saitou had already turned to Shinpachi. „Please forgive my insulting words earlier. I understand if you are angry with me.“

Shinpachi waved his hands frantically.

„No, not at all. I should be the one apologizing. I was annoyed and let it get the better of me. It was your absolute right to tell me to mind my own business.“ Shinpachi sounded apologetic and it brought a feeling of comfort and reassurance to Saitou, but he knew he couldn’t let it drop like this. Saitou knew, deep inside his heart, that with everything Shinpachi had said, his friend had had a point.   
„Perhaps. But that does not change the fact, that you were completely right about everything.“ It was finally time to move on. „That’s why I’m kindly asking your advice now. I’m in love with Hijikata-san and I need your help to show him my feelings.“ 

There, it was out in the open, his secret was exposed, for everyone to see.

Saitou inhaled deeply, feeling the sense of relief spreading through him and he allowed himself a small smile. He felt kinda better now, that he had admitted it to someone.

Even if neither Shinpachi nor Sano looked like they should give him an answer soon, staring at him with blank expressions. The first indication of a response was, as they turned their heads to exchange those infamous looks with each other and Saitou could read surprise in their eyes, along with something that closely resembled worry. All in all, it was a very serious look, not one to appear often on either of their faces.

Finally they turned to him and Sano smiled one of his gentle smiles, as he spoke.

„You’re pretty serious about Hijikata-san, huh?“

The unexpected question startled Saitou, but he still answered it.

„Yes.“

Shinpachi smiled too, and closed his eyes in thought. „It won’t be easy though.“  
„I’m aware of that.“

The two of them turned serious again.

„We’ll be glad to help you Saitou, but you’ll have to let us.“  
„And in the end, all the help and advice won’t matter, if you don’t take the necessary steps.“

„I understand." Saitou nodded. „What do I have to do?“

x*x

Hijikata-san was in his room, working on another stack of papers, when Saitou approached him, twisting the knot of anger that had settled in the vice-commander’s stomach since shortly after lunch into a knot of embarassed nervousity. After that regrettable incident with the bath tub, that Hijikata just knew that Harada had his scheming fingers in and the demon vice was personally going to make him pay for it, the vice-commander had done the only dignified thing he could have done in such a situation: He barricaded himself behind paperwork and waited for his emotions to settle. He wasn’t sure of he could face Saitou now, without losing face and a great deal of the quiet swordsman’s respect. But Saitou was there, right in front of his office, his steady presence sure and pressing, clearly noticeable once it arrived behind the sliding door and knelt down. Next came a silent cough, to politely alert him, about the new arrival, before he finaly spoke, voice subtle and considerate, not to disturb him in his work. In spite of his embarassment, Hijikata found himself smiling. 

„Vice-commander, forgive my intrusion.“

The door slid open and Hijikata laid down his brush, to turn his full attention to the beautiful male. After that regrettable incident, Saitou deserved nothing more of him. Hijikata understood, that Saitou felt the need to talk to him about it and if nothing else, respect and regret were the one things that Hijikata-san owed to him.

„Saitou.“ He welcomed the swordsman with a small, hopefully not-as-nervous-as-it-felt smile. „What can I do for you?“ he asked, even though he already knew what issue Saitou wanted to discuss. After that incident it was inevitable. In spite of their friendship, if Hijikata’s presence made Saitou feel uncomfortable, it was better if they didn’t associate for a while. It hurt to know this, but Hijikata understood the importance of temporary distance and even if it was horrible to be apart from that male, the knowledge that he was making feel Saitou awkward was even worse. Besides, he was sure, that because of their closeness, Saitou wouldn’t be less affected than Hijikata. They were friends, after all. More than that, they were comrades. And no matter what, it would hurt them both to get distant. 

And indeed, Saitou pressed his lips together in the same manner he did whenever he was about to talk about an issue that made the taciturn male uncomfortable. It was a telltale sign to Hijikata, one he had noticed during their Shieikan days, when things were less complicated and Saitou closer and more available to him. 

„Vice-commander, I...“

But those days were gone and would be no more and Hijikata Toushizou had to face the simple fact, that he and Saitou could never be together in the way, the vice-commander recently realized, he desired.

„I wanted to ask you...“

Saitou’s voice was hesitant and Hijikata valued the male for his consideration all the more. But there was no going around it, no avoiding it. Even between comrades, privacy was important and if Saitou felt, that Hijikata-san had intruded and violated this privacy, it was only justifiable, if he asked Hijikata-san to not approach him for a while. And Saitou had always been a very private person. Hijikata-san had respected that, but obviously, to a certain red-headed, so-called advisor’s fault, he had violated Saitou in a way that was unforgiveable. And now he had to pay. So Hijikata inhaled deeply and prepared himself to be cast away.

„If you could join me to a private dinner in my quarters tonight?“

For a full span of several moments there was absolute silence in the room. 

Hijikata was very ware of how undignified he had to look, judging by the way his mouth hung open and how his eyes had to be very wide, but despite knowing this, he wasn’t able to utter a single word, just stare at Saitou.

The male had his eyes cast downward and if Hijikata wasn’t seeing things, there was red tint covering the pale cheeks, looking conspiciously like a blush.

Needless to say, Hijikata Toushizou was stunned.

However, the one thing that managed to tear him out of his daze, was when those clear, dark eyes, raised to look at him, gaze as eloquent as Hijikata had never seen it and full with uncertainity. 

„Vice-commander?“

He didn’t know what he felt at that moment, hell, Hijikata doubted he even knew who he was then and there, but as that voice spoke to him, so silent that Hijikata suspected that it was to conceal the tremble, the one thing Hijikata Toushizou knew at that single moment, when he saw Saitou more open that the taciturn, quiet male had ever been, was the one thing there was to do.

So he closed his jaw and relaxed his eyelids and allowed himself a small, hopefully encouraging smile, as he replied.

„Of course, Saitou. I will gladly join you.“ 

He didn’t know what reason Saitou could have to invite him to such a dinner, he couldn’t make sense of the happenings of the past days, as everything became even more confusing than it had been, but the way that Saitou’s body relaxed and those otherwise unmovable lips, pulled into a small almost-smile, gave him enough comfort and reassurance to be sure, that he was doing the right thing. Whatever it was.

Saitou bowed to him.

„Thank you, vice-commander. I will see you tonight then.“

„Yes.“ Was the silent reply Hijikata gave, as the sudden feeling of relief spread through his chest. 

Whatever the cause of this invitation was, it could mean only one thing, Hijikata thought, as the door slid closed behind Saitou.

Saitou wasn’t uncomfortable around him.

Hijikata smiled into the empty room.

x*x

Just outside Hijikata-san’s quarters, Saitou breathed the night air in deeply and allowed himself a small smile. 

Vice-commander accepted his invitation.

Saitou didn’t like to draw hurried conclusions, but he couldn’t help but think, that it could mean, that Hijikata-san wasn’t as disapproving of nanshoku as it first had seemed. 

A silent whistle broke the silence and Saitou turned to the direction where it came from and couldn’t supress a sigh, as he saw who waited there. There, just behind the nearby tree, Sano and Shinpachi were standing, waving him over. Saitou wouldn’t have followed, but he owed it to their advice, that he could have a few silent moments with vice-commander, so it seemed proper to show gratitude, go to them and see what they wanted.

As soon as he was within earshot, they didn’t waste time and started the questioning almost immediately.

„How did it go?“ Sano’s eyes were sparking like amber flames, as he asked that and Shinpachi’s eyes were wide with interest, as he was nodding at the question, wanting to know what happened, as eagerly as Sano.

Saitou sighed once again, but chose to answer nonetheless.

„He accepted.“ He tried to sound as calm and unphased as ever, but as soon as those words left him, a small spark ignited his heart and he couldn’t stop a small smile spreading on his face and he was sure that his eyes were sparkling the same way, as those of his two friends. 

Sano grinned and turned to Shinpachi, landing a friendly jab on the broad chest.

„See? I told you, this was the best way!“

„Yeah, yeah!“ Shinpachi couldn’t get himself to even look annoyed, as genuine happiness about the success was spliting his face in a huge grinn, similar to Sano’s. „Isn’t that great Saitou? Now you only have to convey your feelings to Hijikata-san and it will all be as it should be, at last.“

As Saitou heard those words, a wave of uneasiness washed through him. 

„But,“ Sano raised his index finger, „You have to be subtle about it. Clear enough for him to catch the drift, but subtle enough to be proper.“

The uneasiness settled inside of his stomach and suddenly he was very aware of his inexpierience. 

„Subtly convey my emotions...“ he mused out loud, without noticing it and caught both, Sano’s and Shinpachi’s attention. 

Subtlety was not new to him. He had always been praised for that very quality and it was his skill in it, that sent him on many undercover missions, that neither Hijikata-san, nor Kondo-san, nor Sannan-san trusted anyone else with. 

But conveying his emotions was a whole other level of communication, that he knew he wasn’t any master of. He had tried it, not once and it didn’t get him anywhere near the desired effect. More like the opposite of it. 

He didn’t catch either the looks or the smiles Sano and Shinpachi exchanged, trying to think of a way how to subtly convey his emotions, when suddenly Shinpachi spoke.

„Yeah. Get our thickheaded vice-commander to understand where, how and how much you want him. Meaning, that you have to sedu-“ before he could finish the sentence, Sano’s hand landed on his mouth. Ignoring the muffled protests, Sano finished Shinpachi’s speach simply.   
„What Shinpachi wants to say, you have to flirt with Hijikata-san.“

Saitou, used to the antics of his friends, ignored their actions and focused on the words instead, contemplating them.

Flirt...

Well, it was something more substancial than any vague guess he could have made about how to ’subtly convey emotions’, but it was still uncharted territory.

Flirt...

Saitou looked at his friends in silent question, hoping he looked less unexpierienced than he felt and Shinpachi, free again from Sano’s hold, nodded. 

„Yeah. Like...lower your voice to a purr when you say ambigous things.“  
„And always sit with your knees facing him. Even if your body is turned away.“  
„And never interrupt the eye contact. Eye contact is very important.“  
„And speaking of eye contact, lower your eyelids when you look at him. It gives a telltale bedroom look. And let your hair fall into your face, that enhances it.“ 

„Oh, and batting your eyelashes is very effective too. And sighing and small half-moans...Hey, what’s with that look?“ Shinpachi interrupted his speach, when he noticed the look Sano gave him. Sano raised his eyebrow pointedly and Shinpachi squared his shoulders. „What?! I mean, it worked on me!“

Sano took a deep breath. „Batting eyelashes is something that woman do.“

Shinpachi raised his own eyebrow. „I wasn’t aware it was an exclusively female thing to do when you-“

Sano silenced him with a murderous look. „I did, because it was the only way to make you finally understand!“ he said from behind clenched teeth. 

„Says the one who punched me after I ki-“

„I was trying to make up for it back then, you asshole!“

Saitou decided, that whatever that was about, it was probably safer for him to remain unknowing, so he said nothing, as his friends settled to shooting angry looks at each other in an attempt to resolve whatever argument was weighing them down.   
Saitou doubted they needed his audience, so he cleared his throat to make himself noticeable, before, for the lack of better word, scraming. 

The two hassles finally averted their gaze from each other to look at Saitou.

„Thank you for your assistance.“ Saitou said, before either of them could speak. „Your advice will surely be very helpfull, but allow me now to distance myself-“

„Saitou?“

Sano interrupted him definitely, before Saitou could finish, and he found himself replying to it.

„Yes?“

The answer came from Shinpachi.

„Good luck.“

Two reassuring smiles encouraged Saitou and with a deep breath he nodded at his two friends, before admitting in all honesty.

„Thank you. I might need it.“

ox*xo

The evening came around quickly and it wasn’t long before Saitou had everything ready and was patiently awaiting Hijikata-san’s visit. 

Sano and Shinpachi had dropped by earlier to give him some last tips, but they hadn’t stayed for long. Before leaving, Sano had pressed a jar of slimy liquid into his hands with a wink and a „You might need it later.“

When Saitou realizied what it was, it had almost caused his brain to stop. He contemplated throwing the lubricant away, but it seemed of the expensive kind and newly bought and unused, which suggested that it had been intended as a gift for him already when Sano purchased it, so he decided to keep it and hid it in the farthest corner of his closet. 

Besides, even if it was really hard for Saitou to admit it, Sano might have been right about him needing it later.

That thought alone caused a rush of blood shoot into Saitou’s face and heat it up, so he shook his head to clear it from such disturbing images. 

He had thrown them out of his room after that, which admittedly hadn’t been very polite, but judging by their chuckles, Saitou guessed they didn’t take it too tragically. Shinpachi had then turned to him, and before Saitou could have slid the door shut, said to him.

„One last thing, Saitou. Any flirting is meaningless, if there isn’t any heart in it.“

The words made Saitou halt and look at his friend unreadably.

Sano then, added with a smile. „What Shinpachi wants to say, is that you should let your feelings show. Let them flow into your actions and your words. Don’t hide them. If you want Hijikata-san to notice them, you can’t do that anymore.“

Without any other word they left and since then, Saitou had been sitting in his room, waiting and thinking about those words, that were so simple and yet so wise. 

Of course, it made sense, that if one wanted to be noticed, he should not hesitate to make himself noticeable. Subtly so, but enough for the desired effect to set in. And once Hijikata-san knew, the vice-commander could decide about his actions, but not feel the urgent press of things out in the open, hanging between them, but the subtle hints thrilling his senses. And if he decided he would not act upon Saitou’s emotions, nothing would get lost between them, because nothing had ever been spoken out loud and became absolute. No hard feelings. And finally Saitou would know how the object of his feelings stood to the entire thing and, in the case that they weren’t reciprotated, move on. At least, that’s what his friends had said. And Saitou decided to trust his friends with this. After all, Shinpachi and Sano were far more expierienced in the issues of the heart than he was and as far as Saitou could tell, their relationship was fulfilled and happy.

To be honest, Saitou envied them a little.

But soon, if everything went well, he would have such a relationship too. 

This thought should have filled him with anticipation and joy, but instead it ignited a spark of doubt within his gut.

Was it even possible for him, him of all people, the deviant and heretic, to have something so wonderful like a person who loved him? Wasn’t it more objective and rational to think that such a honorable man like the vice-commander wouldn’t want anything of that kind from him? 

The thought made Saitou clench his fists tightly.

Suddenly feeling strangely out of place and like an alien in his own quarters, the urge to just stand up and leave overcame Saitou. But as soon as it formed, Saitou shook it off and told himself a stern no. He couldn’t go back now, not after the troubles he had put his friends through, but he would not engage in such thoughts again. He would patiently wait for the outcome and accept whatever Hijikata-san’s choice would be.

As if on cue, familiar footsteps sounded and a moment later, Hijikata-san appeared in the doorway. 

„Saitou.“ Hijikata-san said, a light smile gracing the handsom face and Saitou couldn’t but return it with a small, barely noticeable smile of his own.

„Vice-commander.“ Their eyes met and to his great surprise, Saitou felt all of his doubts disperse and all that was left in him was Hijikata-san’s presence, so gentle and yet so strong and determined. „Please, come in.“

His own voice sounded alien to him and Hijikata-san’s reply was like from a very far away world, as he said „Sorry to disturb you,“ before stepping in.

„Please, make yourself comfortable.“ 

The pleasentries they exchanged sounded farther and farther away, and yet at the same time familiar and warm, like an old rite, that had been performed many times, or a popular dance, predictable and yet enticing. It wasn’t unpleasent, it was more like a cover, a layer of politeness filled with a meaning, suggesting somethting hidden beneath it, to be uncovered yet. There was an tingling feeling deep inside of Saitou’s chest, spreading through his body and it took him a few moments to realize that it was anticipation. 

Saitou tried to bring back his objective arguments from before Hijikata-san entered the room, but he was surprised to find out he couldn’t. It should have disturbed him, but at that moment, with Hijikata-san sitting across of him, looking at him with those deep midnight purple eyes, it made all perfect sense. Instead of his own arguments, the words of his friends started to flood his mind, the encouragement and kind advice he had recieved along with their endless support and suddenly what he was doing didn’t feel wrong, but absolutely rigth instead. 

With this newfound resolve burning within him, Saitou made a decision.

He would fight.

Fight to win Hijikata-san’s heart.

So, turning to the object of his desire, he proceeded with the plan.

„Do you wish to eat right away, or should I pour us some sake first, Vice-commander?“

Hijikata-san looked contemplating, before answering. „I would like to talk with you first, Saitou.“ The vice-commander’s face turned more serious for a fraction of a moment and Saitou instinctively grasped the bottle of sake and offered it to his superior. He could feel that something was weighing on Hijikata-san, just as his doubt had been weighing on him earlier. 

„What is it, Vice-commander?“ Saitou asked, while pouring the liquid into their cups.

Hijikata-san accepted the drink and eyed him for a long moment with those fascinating purple eyes, a contact which made Saitou’s stomach tightened and heart spead up, before the vice took a sip. When Hijikata-san laid down the cup and looked at Saitou again, he was back to smiling and the anxious moment was gone. „Nothing, really. I just feel like talking with you. We haven’t done that for a while.“

The statement startled Saitou a little, but he took it as an oportunity to start a conversation. Besides, Hijikata-san was right: They hadn’t talked for what seemed a very long time and Saitou had always found their talks enjoyable and inciting. 

So smiling that small smile again, he nodded. „Yes, indeed.“

„So, how have you been, Saitou?“ Hijikata-san asked out of the blue, startling Saitou once again. The taciturn male wasn’t expecting that question. But before he could inquire what it meant, Hijikata-san continued. „I understand, that I haven’t been a good comrade to you. I feel like I was neglecting our friendship and I would like to apologize.“ 

Now, Saitou was surprised. Why would Hijikata-san be comepelled to feel that way?

„Vice-commander, I don’t-“

But before he could finish the sentence, Hijikata-san interrupted him.

„No, Saitou, there’s no need to be polite. I know you feel it too.“

Saitou blinked confusedly.

„Why else would you invite me to a private dinner, other than spend some time with me?“

Surprise turned into shock as Saitou heard that. Did Hijikata-san think that the only reason that Saitou would ask him for a dinner, would be a simple selfish desire? But in the end, even if the reason was different, wasn’t it just plain selfish desire, that made him invite Hijikata-san, a voice deep inside of Saitou reasoned.

„Not that I mind, though.“ Hijikata-san smiled. „Spending t ime with you makes me relax and forget my worries and give me another wave of resolve.“

But it wasn’t just selfish desire, Saitou objected. Knowing where he stood, would be beneficial to everyone in the Shinsengumi. He had become a burden to everyone, having these emotions and not knowing what to do with them.

„You keep me going Saitou and I want to thank you for that. And I want to return some of that support you always give me.“

Those words struck something deep in Saitou’s heart and he felt his earlier resolve again. It was a wonderful feeling to know how important the vice-commander thought him to be, but it was important to let Hijikata-san know the entire truth. All of it. 

Saitou thought for a short moment, then spoke. „Vice-commander. It’s true, that I invited you, because I wanted to spend some time alone with you, but that’s not all there is to it.“

Hijikata-san gave him a surprised look.

„It isn’t?“

Saitou bit his lip and clenched his fists. 

„What else is there?“

He could say it now. He had the oportunity to tell Hijikata-san everything, but something held him back, tying his tongue into a knot and throttling him. All of his instincts screamed at him, that this way wouldn’t be right and the advice of his friends came to his mind

_„Make him understand, but don’t bring things our into the open right away. Give him the information gradually. He’ll need time to proceed and accept it.“_

But it had to be tonight. If Saitou didn’t do it tonight, he won’t be ever able to do it. 

Saitou decided.

„Vice-commander, I promise, I will tell you tonight. Untill then, could I ask you not to push the subject? It is very important to me and I need time to find the right words.“ 

Saitou himself was surprised how very sincere and deep those words sounded even to him and he wondered if this was what people called ’speaking from the deepest bottom of the heart’. But, no matter how it was called, they seemed to reach Hijikata-san, as the vice-commander eyed him again with serious purple eyes, causing Saitou’s heart to flutter again, before finally nodding.

„Alright. I accept your wish. But you will tell me tonight.“

Hijikata-san’s voice was definite, words formed as an order, but somehow it still sounded more like a request to Saitou’s ear and the taciturn male nodded.

„Yes, Hijikata-san.“

The use of his name seemed to startle the vice-commander, but he accepted it with a small smile and changed the subject to more comfortable waters. 

„Now, you mentioned some food?“

Saitou nodded. „Yes. I will bring it right away.“

x*x

They spent the rest of the evening in friendly conversation, as they fell into the familiar pace of their discussions, one they had enjoyed many times before. They talked about many things that evening and yet over nothing, their words hollow as smalltalk could be, but still, to Saitou’s great surprise, so many things had been said, just through a simple gesture, or a single look. 

The evening was nearing to an end, as they sat facing each other and Saitou was pouring Hijikata-san some sake, both having finsihed eating a long time ago, now simply enjoying themselves, currently chuckling at something mundane that either of them had brought up, when Hijikata-san spoke up.

„Thank you Saitou, I had a very pleasent evening.“ 

Saitou’s gaze dropped to the ground at the statement, before it locked onto those deep purple hues and the taciturn male smiled a small smile.

„I’m glad you enjoyed yourself, Vice-commander.“

Silence settled between them once again and Saitou realized that with their usual topics all discussed and the dinner eaten, these were the last moments of the evening. His last oportunity. And he realized, Hijikata-san knew it too and waited patiently, just sitting there and looking at him with a gaze that was questioning and expectant at the same time. 

It was now or never. 

„Vice-commander, I...“

Just say it, he urged himself. Just open your mouth and say it. 

But an invisible force, very thick and very strong, wrapped itself arorund his throat and strangled him, not allowing him to utter a single sound, while Hijikata-san just stood there, patiently waiting. And Saitou suddenly, in an unusual moment of loss of words, didn’t know what to say or what to do, his eloquence nowhere in reach. 

He felt lost.

In a desperate attempt to regain his composure and save the situation, he reached for the advice he remembered his friends gave him and checked if he’d done accordingly. With a start he realized, that the entire evening he had neglected it. He had been so caught up by enjoynging Hijikata-san’s company and busy gazing at his superior the entire evening, that he had completely forgotten to ’drop the hints’. 

And now he wanted to blurt it out, just like that?

His friends had warned him about that.

What now?

The original plan had been to deliver the hints for Hijikata-san to consider. But as that had failed, the vice-commander was now standing there, waiting for Saitou to say what he had to say, bring it out into the open and maybe destroy everything.

A voice deep down in Saitou asked quietly, if that maybe hadn’t been the only option all along, but Saitou shook it off. He didn’t want to loose the vice-commander, he couldn’t even bear the thought of never being comfortable in Hijikata-san’s company again. 

There was only one thing left to do. 

_„Lower your voice to a purr when you talk with him.“_

„Vice-commander, I need to tell you something.“

Saitou didn’t exactly know what reaction to expect from Hijikata-san to his ’purring’, but he was fairly sure, that a worried frown was not in the scale of reactions he should have gotten.

„Saitou, are you all right?! Your voice sounded very raspy just now. Are you coming down with something? Should I get you some medicine?“

For a single moment, Saitou was stunned speechless, before the surprise errupted from him in a rare moment of openness.

„What?! No!“ However as he saw the surprised look on Hijikata-san’s face at the unusual outburst, he caught himself instantly. „No, Vice-commande, I’m in perfect health.“ Hijikata-san still eyed him with a certain skepsis and Saitou was painfully aware that the plan was shattering before his eyes and there was little he could do. But he still couldn’t give up that easily, and so, mentally taking a deep breath, he tried to think of a different advice his friends had given him.

_„Lower your eyelids when you look at him. It gives a telltale bedroom look.“_

So he did just that and added in a low voice, hoping he didn’t sound like a third class prostitute. „Thank you for your worry.“

As that only deepened Hijikata-san’s frown, Saitou knew in the same instant it didn’t work.

„Are you sure? Your eyes are heavy, you seem tired. Maybe you should lie down.“

Saitou was rapidly running out of possibilities. But he almost desperately needed the vice-commander to know, needed to make his leader understand, somehow and so, he turned to the only option left.

_„Batting eyelashes are something that woman do.“_

If that was so, then it should make the situation pretty clear to the vice-commander.

„Vice-commander, I feel fine. Please, I need to tell you something very important to me.“ And he did it, moving his eyelids up and down in a fast motion several times.

„Saitou, you can’t even keep your eyes open.“

That single sentence made him feel like he had failed his entire life and the feeling of despair spread through him.

„It’s evident that you don’t feel alright. We can talk about everything once you get better, but now I should leave.“ And Hijikata-san turned around to do just that.

It was like a lightning that struck Saitou as a force so strong drove him, that hundreds of the strongest wills alive could never withstand it. He didn’t know what it was, or why, he just knew, that he needed Hijikata-san to stay and listen to him. He needed to let him know and he needed to do it tonight, because he had the feeling, that if he let the vice-commander go now, he would let him go forever. Without ever getting a chance. And that was thought Saitou couldn’t bear, even less than he could bear loosing his superior’s trust and friendship, as he realized in that single breath of a moment. He would forever mourn this oportunity and regret it. Because even if it cost them their friendship, Saitou would not regret having tried to gain so much more.

You had to take the chances life gave you.

And Saitou instinctively felt, this was the last one he’d get.

Before he realized it, in that flash of thoughts and emotions, the force within him moved his body and made him hold onto Hijikata-san, grasp his wrist tightly, to prevent the vice from leaving, one word passing his lips, almost like a plea. 

„Hijikata-san!“

It made the vice-commander halt in his step, frozen for a single instant, before slowly turning around, eyes wide and shining with disbelief and something that Saitou couldn’t quite recognize, but bore a strong resemblance to hope.

„What did you just call me?“

Utter disbelief swung in the sentence, but there was no anger, rather surprise from something unexpected, not decided yet whether it was pleasent or not. 

Saitou gulped.

„Vice-commander, I...“ he tried, but no sound further than that was able to leave him and he just stood there, in front of his secret crush, staring into two midnight purple eyes, so rich in hues and in depth like the facets of a dark diamond. The look they held was pure affection and worry and the deep voice sounded very far away as it spoke.

„Saitou, what’s it with you? You’re acting strange.“

„I...“

The skin where his hand touched Hijikata-san’s wrist felt like on fire and he could hear nothing besides the pounding of blood in his ears. There was the faint, intimate rustle of cloth against cloth and Saitou realized, that they were now standing chest to chest, even though he couldn’t remember moving. 

„Saitou?“

Saitou searched for some clever lines, for the advice he had recieved, but it was all gone. Right now the only thing that existed to him was Hijikata-san’s presence, the feel of that skin in his hands and the heat of those midnight eyes gazing into his, in comparison pale and dull, icy night blue. Somewhere in the back of his mind, behind the pure emotions he was expieriencing in this moment, burried somewhere deep, was his rational mind, that told him he had to say something, do something, because they couldn’t stand there like that forever, even though at the moment there was nothing else that Saitou desired more than that.

But before his mind could come up with anything, before he knew what was there to say, his body did it for him. He felt himself move forward, pressing slowly, not urgent, but still absolute and unmistakeable, erasing the little distance that was between their bodies in one fluid movement.

And his lips were on Hijikata-san’s, pressing into the corner the stoic mouth in a sure, chaste kiss.

A sudden onslaught of various perceptions attacked his senses and all he could do was just to stand there, let it all wash over him and just expierience. The musky smell mixed with sakura flowers, air and something that was just Hijikata-san. The warmth of their breaths, mingling together, carressing their cheeks. The feel of skin against skin, joined in an intimate contact that not many had been granted and the taste of it against his lips.

It was overwhelming.

Then cautiously, carefully, as if afraid to break the contact, they parted and their eyes met once again, the warmth of the midnight at Summer and the icy cold sky of Winter, and for a single, exhilirating moment, everything was perfect.

Saitou felt a real smile tugging at the corners of his lips, honest, wide and face-splitting, one that he had last smiled an entire lifetime ago.

But before that smile could even form, the eyes of the darkest midnight widened in utter shock and bewilderment and the moment of the dream was gone, replaced by harsh reality slapping him into the face, like a bucket of cold water, as he was roughly shown away and Hijikata-san stared at him in horror.

„What the! Saitou! What was-Saitou! Oh...oh...oh NO! I can’t, I don’t, I...damnit Saitou!!!“

And the vice-commander spun around on his heels and hurried away, while Saitou felt sheer panic rise within his chest. With a jolt of realization, that here he was, losing everything that had a meaning in his life, he ran after his superior, calling him.

„Vice-commander!“ 

As that didn’t stop his leader, he tried one last time, hoping and praying to whatever god was listening, that his plea would be heard. 

„Hijikata-san!“

But just then the raven-haired male disappeared behind the corner, and all Saitou could do was stand there and watch as his entire world fell apart.

That evening seeing the ravenhared vice stalking across the headquarters towards his office didn’t sit well with anyone.

It made three young people, cheerfully sipping sake and happily enjoying the evening, suddenly frown in worry.

It made the smirk of one mischievous boy fall and pull into a snarl.

And it made the heart of one lonely, taciturn swordsman shatter into a thousand pieces.

ox*xo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was debating whether to set the private dinner in a teahouse (most pressumably Sumiya), or in Saitou’s quarters, but in the end I decided for Saitou’s quarters, purely because I felt better at writing it like that. Even though, Sumiya would have been more realistic and historicaly more accurate. Also, probably a lot more private. But alas, I didn’t set it in Sumiya, so please forgive me this small...mishap on my part.
> 
> Just for the record, during their dinner, Saitou had been actually subconsciously flirting with Hijikata, he just didn’t realize it. And that unknown force strangling him was, as you all might have guessed, an uncharacteristic wave of panic, which is only human. I know to many of you, Saitou will seem out of character there, but just think about it. He is also just a human. A young, nineteen years old human, who had been pushed his entire life away from people. And now he wants to be close to someone and tries to act openly with him. It’s a major change and I imagine, that any human with his bad expieriences after a lifetime loneliness, would in such a situation get a minor panic attack. Everyone gets one, from time to time. Even Saitou. It’s the fact that he overcomes it, that makes him strong.
> 
> About Saitou’s „Hijikata-san.“ I have noticed, that (at least in the anime) Saitou hasn’t called Hijikata by his name even once. He always calls him „Fukuchou“ (which roughly translates into vice-commander). This fic is set early in the Shinsengumi days, so I thought that it could be the first time in the Shinsengumi that Saitou calls Hijikata, Hijikata-san, something he hadn’t done since their Shieikan days.
> 
> As for Tani-san...I can't really justifie that. I just felt this compulsive need to insert him into the fanfic. Besides, he had joined the Shinsengumi around that time and combined with the fact that he's Sano's sensei...The Sano fangirl in me couldn't just let it be. I know, I know, I'm obsessive. Forgive me, please. There will be one more scene with him to resolve the issue.


	5. The twist

Hijikata-san had screwed it up.

Not that it was anything Heisuke hadn’t expected.

Hijikata-san may have been popular with the girls, but it was something entirely else to get a man. And Heisuke would be very surprised if Hijikata-san had had some expierience prior to Hajime-kun. Not that he had any expierience with Hajime-kun either. Heisuke had never seen two people who wanted each other more and yet did so little to finally get there. If it wasn’t for Sano-san and Shinpat-suan, they would have never even taken a single step into that direction. Not that those two geezers had gotten it right. Their ideas were entirely outdated and sometimes Heisuke had the feeling he was dating two grandpas.

Talking in purely the ideological sense. Physicaly speaking they were still in topform and...

Heisuke shook his head, ridding himself from the distracting thoughts, ignoring the heat in his face. He had to get rid of this stupid habit of blushing whenever he thought about something dirty, like some virgin maiden. He was by no means neither a maiden, nor a virgin. Sano-san and Shinpat-suan had made sure of tha...

Heisuke shook his head again.

Back to reality.

Hijikata-san and Hajime-kun.

Both were obviously having a problem of accepting and standing to their feelings. And Heisuke would be damned if he didn’t know how that felt. He too had had a problem with accpeting the fact that he had hots for Shinpat-suan and he remembered how awkward it had been as Shinpat-suan started chasing him, but he also remembered how he eventually had given in. And _that_ had been the best choice he ever made in his entire life. He knew he’d be regretting it if things had come out differently and that was something that he couldn’t let Hajime-kun expierience. It was true that he and Hajime-kun had very little in common and rarely spoke about anything else than Shinsengumi business, but Heisuke knew enough to know, that Hajime-kun had been already through enough regrets for one lifetime and despite what everyone else thought, Heisuke had been through his fair share of regrets in life. And he knew that the only thing that helped to overcome them, was to find your place in life. A place where you feel you’re supposed to be. A place where you’re loved. A place where you can be happy. A place that is nothing more and nothing less than a warm embrace of a beloved one. Heisuke had already found such a place and while he knew that nothing lasted forever, it was the here and now that really mattered. The single moment in the flow of time that happiness came to them. Heisuke was already expieriencing such a moment of happiness and since he knew how much that changed, he couldn’t let Hajime-kun miss it. His conscience wouldn’t live through that.

And so he decided to take matters into his own hand and headed for the temple, where he knew Hajime-kun would be at this hour of the day, training like a madman.

Training away his pain.

And that was where he found Hajime-kun, performing fast and sharp slashes, that seemed even more viscious and deadly than usually, bore more force than was absolutely necessary and more powerd than any living being could take.

Heisuke sighed.

Hajime-kun seemed even more desperate, than Heisuke had imagined him to be. Hijikata-san had really messed up this time, hadn’t he? Whatever happened yesterday evening, it must have hurt the taciturn swordsman a lot. Not that it was that hard to guess what had exactly occured in Hajime-kun’s room. Hajime-kun invited Hijikata-san for dinner with the plan to confess his feelings, Hijikata-san showed up and not an hour later stormed out of Hajime-kun’s room. There was no fire, Hajime-kun wasn’t dieing and not other catastrophy seemed to be happening, so the only conclusion one could draw was: Hajime-kun had confessed and got rejected.

Hajime-kun had it really hard, hadn’t he?

Rejected by a person he loved, not being able to be close tot hat person...If such a thing happened to Heisuke, hevs have gone already insane. But that was because he knew what it felt like being touched intimately and brought to the edge of release...

Heisuke shook his head once again.

Anyway.

To get to the point: Hajime-kun needed to get laid. Urgently.

So, Heisuke took a deep breath, surpressed the red on his face and approached the taciturn swordsman.

Hajime-kun noticed him almost immediately.

The male lowered his sword, straightened himself and turned his head to look at the approaching boy, but his face didn’t look like he was too happy about the visit. Heisuke could understand that. If Heisuke had been hurt the way Hajime-kun had been, he wouldn’t have wanted to see anyone either.

„Hajime-kun, may I talk to you?“

But at the same time he knew he would desperately need a friend. Or someone to tell him that everything would be alright, even if it was the last thing he wanted to hear.

Hajime-kun sighed. „Heisuke, excuse my bluntness, but I’d like to be alone.“

Heisuke eyed the male with sad tyrquise eyes, before averting his gaze to the ground.

„Hajime-kun, if it helps any, I know how it is to be rejected.“ He said in a low voice and as he saw in his peripheral vision how Hajime-kun flinched, he knew it had scored. And it wasn’t a surprise to Heisuke as he felt more than he saw how that deep night blue gaze wandered to his katana. Hajime-kun was good in recognizing swords. Of course he would have guessed...

But Heisuke wasn’t here to wallow in his misery and long fotgotten regrets, but to help Hajime-kun. So he raised his look again, hoping his eyes looked as clear as he wanted them to be and met those icy eyes.

„I...I think you shouldn’t give up just yet. That wouldn’t be very much like you, would it?“ he added a smirk to the last sentence that he hoped was at least a little encouraging and saw how after a few moments a tug pulled at the corners of Hajime-kun’s lips.

Encouraged, Heisuke continued.

„Maybe all it needs is time.“

Those words sounded alien out of his mouth, too old and too wise and absolutely not like him and as their meaning reached his mind, Heisuke just had to laugh at richness.

„Even though I’m probably the last one to tell you that.“ Impatient and hot-headed as he was, it sounded a bit ironic.

That tug at the corners of Hajime-kun’s lips appeared again and Heisuke realized, it was the infant of a smile, fighting it’s way onto that unmoving face and he smiled into himself. It seemed he had managed to cheer up Hajime-kun at least a little and that was, circumstances considered, a lot of achievement. And not wanting to spoil it by saying something stupid, Heisuke decided, it was time to take his leave and let Hajime-kun contemplate. Or train. Or both. Hajime-kun was very good at doing both at the same time.

Anyway.

„I should go now. I’m on lunch duty today, heh.“

Saitou nodded and Heisuke turned to leave, but Hajime-kun’s voice stoped him halfway.

„Heisuke.“

Heisuke turned his head to look at the other male.

„Thank you.“

Heisuke smiled and nodding he headed for the gates, while Hajime-kun returned to his training, this time with considerably less force and more thought.

When Heisuke reached the gate, he was surprised to see Shinpat-suan watching him, hidden behind the wooden wings, boken in his hand, unreadable look on his face. Just one look into thise clear eyes told Heisuke, that the bastard had heard everything.

However, the boken his lover so leisurely carried meant that Shinpat-suan hadn’t come to the temple simply to listen in on their conversation. Heisuke scowled.

„I have just managed to cheer Hajime-kun up, Shinpat-suan.“ Even though when those two trained together, usually it left them both high-spirited and in a great mood, Heisuke wasn’t so sure how much of Shinpat-suan one can bear in two days. That and whenever those two trained, it was less fight and more philosophy. But Heisuke had the feeling that Hajime-kun wasn’t exactly in a philosophical mood today. „Is this really necessary?“

Shinpat-suan, in an unusualy quiet mood today, merely nodded.

„Yeah. Saitou...Saitou has to see some things, before it’s too late.“

Heisuke didn’t bother asking before it was too late to what.

Instead he gave his own nod and turned to leave, but he was stoped by a strong hand on his shoulder and the deep voice of his lover sounded just next to his ear, quiet, worried, caring and so unlike Shinpat-suan, that it chased goosebumps down Heisuke’s spine.

„Heisuke, I know you feel with Saitou, but sometimes...sometimes to be accepted at last, we have to get rejected first.“

That was the moment, when Heisuke decided that it had been enough unusual moods for one day.

„Man, Shinpat-suan, cut it out! The last days had been lousy enough without you feeding me your wannabe philosophy!“

That brought Shinpachi back to his usual, loud self.

„What is it Heisuke?! Jealous, that you don’t have half of the brains that I do?!“

„What brains are you talking about Shinpat-suan? It’s all in your muscles!“ Before he even could finish the sentence, Heisuke had to dodge a punch and ready himself for a quick retreat, not holding back his snickers.

„What did you just say you little brat?!“

The reactions he got out of Shinpat-suan when they were bickering never failed to amuse Heisuke. And the sex later was always...well, anyway. If it was to come to that later, Heisuke decided now was the right time to scram.

„Come back here! I’ll teach you some manners!“

Was the last he heard Shinpat-suan call after him, when he made a short job on clearing the coast and disappeared behind of the temple gates.

For a moment longer Shinpachi held his angry face, before he let it fall and gave space to an amused smirk, shaking his head affectionately. And people asked him why he loved Heisuke.

Of course their little confrontation had to rouse attention and when Shinpachi turned his attention towards the training grounds, he notice Saitou watching him almost cautiously. With his entrance wasted, Shinpachi saw no more reason to be hiding behind the gates and boldly stepped into the court. But as soon as he did, to his not-so-big surprise, Saitou spoke his objections.

„Excuse me, but if you don’t mind, I’d like to train alone today.“

The silent voice was icier than Shinpachi had even heard and it didn’t hold gentle quality as usually, disapointment getting the better of it.

Shinpachi’d be damned if he didn’t understand that.

But he’d be thrice damned if he let it just be.

So he let his face fall and voiced his own disapointment.

„What? Come on Saitou, you can’t do that to me. There I was, working for weeks on a technique against a left-handed oponent and now you say I can’t even try it out?“

When Shinpachi saw how Saitou faltered, he knew he had the taciturn swordsman. And ideed, Saitou’s shoulders heaved in a silent, barely noticeable sigh, before the young man finally nodded.

„Alright then.“ Saitou took his stance, his look serious. „But I won’t go easy on you.“

Shinpachi also took his stance. „I was never expecting you to.“

One heartbeat passed.

They moved simultanously.

Their bokens clashed with a resolute, dull sound and tore splinters from the polished wooden surface. For a moment they pushed against each other, then after realizing neither of them was backing down, they pulled away for another slash. And again. And again. It was like a dance they both knew by heart, a clash of strong wills, spirit against spirit.

„Hey Saitou, did you know? Sano punched me, when I first confessed to him.“

A move out of the rhythm disturbed their dance, as something in Saitou’s stance chenged, became more viscious, more determined and a sharp slash, followed by a half-turn and a stab brought Shinpachi out of balance and revealed an opening to his oponent. Before he could have reacted, Saitou’s boken was shown into his face, half an inch from the ridge of his nose, right between his eyes.

„What do you want, Shinpachi? You’re not using any new technique against me and you talk about Sano rejecting you. I apologize for the bluntness, but either you are serious, or leave. I wish to be alone.“

Saitou made it straight and clear. That deserved honesty. Games were over.

„I came to confirm something.“

Shinpachi straightened himself and walked a few feet away from Saitou, then assumed his basic fighting stance again. Saitou did so too.  
„I apologize for not being serious from the beginning, but I really came to try a technique. You know, I’ve been thinking, that when I get attacked, I instinctively defend my left side. However, if it’s you, you attack by default my right side and I end up losing. So the only solution would be, to make you attack my left side.“

Shinpachi turned his back to Saitou.

„However by doing so, I expose you my weakest spot. There’s a risk in it. A weakness I either overcome, or die.“

Silence was his only answer so Shinpachi angled his head to look at Saitou, when suddenly the taciturn swordsman spoke.

„Any other fight is meaningless.“  
„How so?“  
„We both know how it would end.“

Shinpachi lowered his boken and turned around.

„That’s so much like you Saitou, really. You’re very levelheaded. You know your strengths and you know your limits and you know what’s below them and what’s exceeding them. That’s not a bad thing. It means you know where you stand and you have both of your feet firmly on the ground. But sometimes we just have to take risks and overcome our weakness if we want to achieve something, especially if the goal is happiness. Do you have anything you have to overcome?“  
Saitou just looked at Shinpachi, eyes ablaze with an angry fire, one that wasn’t often present in those clear, winter-night-blue eyes. And Shinpachi knew, no matter what would be said next, Saitou would mean every word.  
„I thought over what happened yesterday. I came to the conclusion that maybe I don’t deserve happiness. If the vice-commander wanted me...“ he trailed off, not needing to finish the sentence. Shinpachi knew what his friend wanted to say, but he couldn’t say he agreed with it.

Shinpachi voiced his opinion.

„Bullshit. Everyone deserves happiness. Even such a disobedient, dishonorable, little ronin as you.“

Saitou looked at him with blue eyes that looked just a tiny bit hurt.

„Is that how you think of me?“

Shinpachi snorted silently.

„No. That’s how you, deep down inside, think of yourself.“

Saitou turned around to leave, but Shinpachi wasn’t finished just yet. He had one more thing to say.

„You think too much."

Saitou stopped dead in his tracks.

„You think too much." Shinpachi repeated. „You always overthink things to the point when it stops being healthy. Then you reach a bizarre conclusion of the type ’I’m not good enough’ and close yourself up. I’m not saying that’s bad, most of the people are this way, really. What I’m saying is, that sometimes you should stop thinking and act. Listen to your feelings and follow your heart. You can still think later, but a real oportunity comes just once every few years. Many people get only one for each lifetime. And some people don’t get one at all."

„But what if my feelings are wrong?"

„It’s not the feelings that are wrong, Saitou. It’s what our intentions make them. And I don’t think that you have any bad intentions at this time."

„And if my feelings are undesired?"

„I beg to differ."

Finally Saitou turned around to look at him with fierce icy blue eyes. Shinpachi held his gaze with a steady look.

„I still don’t think that my feelings are suitable."

Shinpachi shook his shoulders. „Think what you want. I just told you my opinion."

Saitou’s icy blue eyes bore themselves into Shinpachi’s, searching for something in those saphire depths, before he slowly nodded. Then he turned around and slowly walked away.

 

x*x

When Sano announced himself and entered the office, two midnight purple eyes bore themselves through him right away. Hijikata-san was _not_ in a good mood.

Well, Sano couldn’t blame him.

He knew better than anyone else in the Shinsengumi, how refusing a confession can piss one off. Not at others, but at oneself.

„Hijikata-san, if I-“

„If you’re here to make another practical joke at my expense, you can save your breath and leave right away.“

Hijikata-san’s voice was as ice, his eyes shooting daggers rights through him. Sano frowned. The one thing with being pissed off at oneself was, that not being able to take it out on yourself, you took it out on others and even managed to justify it with blaming them for your misery. Now, while it was very human to do so, it didn’t make it right. Understanding aside, Hijikata-san had no right in blaming him, while not knowing the entire story and Sano wasn’t someone who would just let it slide.

So, squaring his shoulders and straightening himself to his full height, Sano replied with an equally icy tone as the vice-commander had spoken to him. „Actually, I’m here to tell you something about Saitou.“

Hijikata-san actually flinched. Good.

„So, once you stop taking out your bad mood on others, we could have a talk.“

Hijikata-san seemed to hesitate a moment and in that moment something in Sano decided that he wasn’t done talking.

„And regardless of what you might think, I wasn’t making a practical joke at your expense. The situation had been something entirely else and while I regret how it turned out and admit that I do take some blame for it, before your start accusing me, at least make sure you’re accusing me of the right crime.“

Before Sano could stop himself he had said all that and now the only thing he could do was bite his tongue. Hard. Damn Shinpachi and damn his habit of ranting. It must have rubbed off of Sano. He had to get it under control, before he said anything that would get him into real trouble. It just wouldn’t be him. He was supposed to be the one with the endless patience. At least, that was what Shinpachi always told him.

„I’m sorry.“

This caused Sano’s eyebrows to shoot into his hair.

„You’re right, of course. I took out my bad mood on you, I apologize.“

Sano smiled and bowed his head too. „And I apologize for ranting myself out. It’s unsightly and I was talking out of place. I’m sorry.“

„Not at all.“ Hijikata-san said and gestured at the free space next to him. „Please, sit. What was it that you wanted to tell me about Saitou?“

Sano sat down. „It has to do with what happened yesterday evening and before you shoot through the roof again, listen to me.“ Hijikata-san looked again like he was about to unleash demon powers of the worst kind at anyone in near proximity. Which happened to be Sano. Why did he have the feeling that he was the punching bag in these headquarters?

But alas, it revealed to Sano, that it was aparently a touchy subject to Hijikata-san. Combined with the vice-comander being angry at himself, it made Sano believe that maybe not everything was lost and that it made sense to thread the dangerous grounds of Hijikata-san’s bad mood, because it still could bring those two closeted love-birds to finally get it on, bluntly said.

„Actually, I just want to ask you one thing: Why the hell did you run?“

Hijikata-san looked at him with eyes reminiscent of that miso-bowl look that he gave Sano just yesterday.

„I’m asking, because it’s quite clear that you want Saitou. I know for a fact, that Saitou has showed his feelings to you yesterday. So whatever’s your problem? Why did you run?“

Sano knew why he had punched Shinpachi, that time. Because his friend back then, had just woken strange feelings that Sano thought were long gone. After Osaka, he had told himself that he’d never be with another male again. But suddenly he wanted to. And that had confused him. He didn’t know what to do or what to feel, so he did the only thing he was capable of doing at that time: he punched Shinpachi and ran. But as far as Sano could tell, Hijikata-san knew about his own attraction to Saitou. The way the vice-commander looked at the taciturn male was proof enough. So why run, when the object of his desire confessed to him?

Hijikata-san looked away, his features strangely...sad.

„Hijikata-san?“

„I...“ after a final second of hesitation, Hijikata-san finally gritted: „I couldn’t bear it.“

„Couldn’t bear what?“ Sano was confused. Bear a kiss from his beloved? Sano usualy wasn’t so clueless, but it seemed he would need to get things spelled out, this time. Because whatever the problem was, it seemed to exist only in Hijikata-san’s head. And the most fickle thing to deal with, was your own head, Sano knew.

„Losing him.“ Hijikata-san said, then added quietly. „Over a moment of weakness.“

Sano was officially done. He couldn’t figure this one out. It just made less and less sense. Why would Hijikata-san feel that he would lose Saitou? Over a moment of weakness? As if the taciturn male should regret everything... Wait a sec.

„A moment of weakness.“

And slowly it started dawning in Sano’s mind.

„Yes, a moment of weakness!“

Hijikata-san snapped, but Sano didn’t pay it any attention as the mystery suddenly begun to unfold in his mind. Hijikata-san thought that Saitou would regret kissing him. Why? The only possible answer Sano could come up with was, that Hijikata-san thought that the kiss was really only a moment of weakness from Saitou’s side. And the pieces finally clicked together.

„Saitou made me clearly understand on several occassions that he didn’t want a physical relationship with a man.“

Hijikata-san thought that Saitou wasn’t serious.

„And now he’s being curious and wondering about it, which I can’t really blame him for. It was the same with me, when I first started thinking about it.“

The more Sano listened, the less he believed what he heard.

„Curious...“

„Yes, of course he’s curious. It’s only natural and as I said, I don’t blame him. But I fear that it would ruin our friendship if we...you know.“

Oh yes, Sano knew alright. Sano knew exactly now what Hijikata-san thought.

„So I...I decided not to follow up to my desires. We both know what it would inevitably lead to.“

Oh really?

„It would never be the same again between me and Saitou. And his friendship is more important to me, than any moment of passion with him. It would not be fair to him, if I did that with him, knowing that it would only lead to our break-up. Because I couldn’t bear doing only casualy what I want to do with all of my heart with him.“

„With all of your heart.“ Sano repeated, his tone very dry. He couldn’t believe what he had just heard.

Hijikata-san however, didn’t seem to notice it, as he replied completely honest. „Yes, with all of my heart.“

And finally, the endless patience that Sano was supposed to be gifted with, ran out.

„Stop being selfish!"

Hijikata-san looked at him with shocked eyes full with disbelief, but Sano wasn’t finished, far from it.

„Do you seriously think, that Saitou’s interest in you is purely physical?“ That quiet, taciturn, thoughtfull male, that had been heartbroken for weeks, wanting nothing else than be loved, was thought of having purely physical motives. Sano couldn’t help it, he felt pissed. Offended, angry and pissed, in Saitou’s name. „Hijikata-san, I beg your pardon, but do you really think _so low_ of Saitou?“ Hijikata-san still looked at him in a very surprised manner, but now another emotion joined those midnight purple eyes, something dangerous and angry, but Sano didn’t care the least. Hijikata-san could get angry all he wanted, Sano would make him hear this, if it was the last thing he’d do in this life. „And since when is it your place to decide what’s the best decision for Saitou, or whomever else to make?! You didn’t want to lose Saitou? Because Saitou isn’t serious?! SAITOU of all people?!“ Throughout his entire speach Sano had been raising his voice and now he was downright screaming, but he couldn’t help it. He was just as angry as Hijikata-san. „Well, excuse me, but I don’t believe a single word of it! Didn’t you just ascribe primitve motives to Saitou, only so you would find an excuse not to take a step into that direction? And then excusing it with doing it with the best intention, from all of your heart! The way I see it, you just got scared shitless and ran away, nothing more!“

The same moment he said that, Sano knew he’d hit home.

Hijikata-san’s eyes flared and all of the anger broke out of the vice-commander, as he stood up abruptly and straightened himself to his entire height.

„The nerve of you, Harada! Shut up! How dare you! I’m the Vice-commander of the Shinsengumi! Who do you think you are?!!“

So Hijikata-san pulled that move? Alright, fine. Two could play this game.

Sano stood up and also built himself up to his full height, which ranged a full head above Hijikata-san. He then took a deep breath and making himself as scariest and demonic as he could, he hollered his next words, so that they echoed in the room.

„I AM THE ADVISOR OF THE CAPTAIN!!!“

Now.

That seemed to get Hijikata-san.

The vice-commander probably wasn’t used to being talked to in such tone. Much less coming from Sano.

Good.

Attention gotten, Sano lowered his voice to his usual level and said his next words a lot more calmly.

„And as such, I’m just giving you a well-meant advice. At least, I’m trying to.“

For a moment it seemed like Hijikata-san should punch him in the face any second. But then the vice commander took a very deep breath and said through gritted teeth.

„You don’t understand. He doesn’t want me the same way I want him.“ Sano already opened his mouth to voice his disagreement, but Hijikata-san cut him off. „And even if he did, I..." something flashed in Hijikata-san's eyes, as the anger there shifted to something entirely else, a feeling that went deeper than any of that momentarily anger. "I don’t deserve him.“

And Hijikata-san looked away, that strangely sad expression on his face again.

Somehow, Sano got the impression, that he’d just now uncovered the root of the problem. And all he could do, was smile about it.

It was an old story, really. One that almost every person that had had a relationship, had been through. Including himself.

A feeling that nestled down in the core of your heart and slowly ate you up, making you suffer, yet at the same time being just a load of...

„Bullshit."

Hijikata-san’s look snapped to him again, eyes surprised and disbelieving. Slowly Sano got the impression, that he was really crushing Hijikata-san’s beliefs, instead of making the vice-commander see certain things.

„What did you just say?" Hijikata-san asked him and Sano had no other choice but to continue the ’crushing’.

„I said what you’re babbling is a load of shit.“ He repeated and elaborated his words this time. „So you feel like you don’t deserve him, because he’s so perfect and you’re so rotten, big deal.“ Seriously, it was so clichéd, that it wasn’t even funny. „How many times do you think I feel like I don’t deserve Shinpachi? Or have you any idea how often Souji feels that way about Kondo-san? And while we’re at it, it might be just about the same that Saitou feels about you.“

„That’s stupid."

Sano had to admit, that Hijikata-san had a point with that, but that didn’t change anything.

„It might be, but it’s true.“ And there had been already enough mistakes made for this stupid feeling alone, that he could allow it to continue. „Look, Hijikata-san. When people like us get blessed by happiness, we tend to think that it’s probably just some Fate’s twisted joke, so we end up not pursuing our feelings, from the fear of loosing everything. We say that it’s better that way and that the person is better off without us, in a self-sacrificing effort, but really, we’re just being cowards. And while we’re at it, we forget, that by making a decision, we take away the freedom of choice from that person. What I’m saying is, you should at least talk to Saitou, talk _with_ him.“

Hijikata-san looked away again.

„It sounds nice when you say it, but it doesn’t change the fact that Saitou isn’t interested in such affairs.“

Sano resisted the urge to roll his eyes. This again.

„Yeah, right. That’s why he kissed you, isn’t it?“

Even in spite of the situation, it was still funny to see the vice-commander blush a furious shade of red. Luckily, Sano managed to force the smile back and contain a serious face.

„He...He was just experimenting! I’m sure it was just...“ Hijikata-san trailed off, his voice gaining a gentle, almost hurt quality to it and for a moment Sano felt embarassed and even a little honored, that he unevitingly saw a moment when that unpenetraneable armor that Hijikata-san always displayed, cracked. „Just a moment of curiosity.“ Hijikata-san made his next words sound strong and steady, regaining his control fast enough, but after Sano had seen the hurt, it remained visible to him, even after that cool mask was put back on. „There is no other evidence of Saitou’s possible interest in me. He has never shown me any.“

The irony of it was so rich, that Sano couldn’t even laugh at it anymore.

„Funny you say that. I can think of at least five times in the past two days, when Saitou tried to convey his interest to you.“

The miso bowl eyes were back.

„Admittedly,“ and a small ironic smile managed to steal itself onto Sano’s face at his next words, „The choice of the ways how to do so wasn’t always the luckiest one, but it was still pretty obvious. At least when you knew what to look for.“

Hijikata-san still stared at him and Sano sighed.

It seemed that Hijikata-san had somehow managed to convince himself, that Saitou couldn’t have been serious. How Hijikata-san had managed that, was beyond Sano’s imagination. After all, who besides Hijikata-san could have known better, that Saitou never joked around. Not about the things that were important.

Sano couldn’t let Hijikata-san continue this...pretending.

„Look, it’s pretty obvious that Saitou has as much expierience as you in this field, but that’s why we’re trying to help you guys.“

No response.

„Will you talk to him now?“

Hijikata-san looked away, before finaly speaking.

„Are you absolutely sure, that Saitou has interest in me?“  
„Positive.“

And finally Hijikata-san nodded.

„Alright then. I’ll talk with him.“

Sano breathed a sigh of relief. This was a tough one to knack, but at least things seemed to be heading now the right way.

Having said all that he had wanted to say, Sano thus excused himself and turned to leave, but Hijikata-san’s voice stoped him.

„Sano.“

Sano turned his head to look at the vice-commander.

„Yes?“

The midnight purple eyes shot him a deadly serious look.

„Don’t try to help us again. Ever.“

Sano couldn’t, but laugh.

Saluting casualy, he answered. „Roger that, vice-commander! Roger that.“

 

ox*xo

It didn’t take too long after that for the ’talk’ to happen.

It was the afternoon of the same day, that unbeknowst to him, Saitou chose the same moment as Hijikata-san to stand up and leave his quarters, going after the remaining responsibilities of the day and chosing the route that led him through the same yard Hijikata-san was passing, making them turn the oposing corners at the same time and meet in the middle of it.

For a few moments everything was silent, frozen, curious about what would happen next.

„Vice-commander-“  
„Saitou, I...“

They spoke simultanously and their eyes met in the surprised looks they gave each other, but then hastily looked away.

„Saitou, I...“ Hijikata-san gathered the courage and raised his gaze again to look into Saitou’s eyes. „I need to talk with you. Do you have time later tod-“

But before Hijikata-san could have finished the sentence, Saitou, uncharacteristically, interrupted him.

„Vice-commander, I need to apologize for my behavior yesterday and I want to ask of you not to worry about it. If you have no...such interest in me, you don’t need to feel obligated to-“

„No, Saitou...“ This time, Hijikata-san interrupted Saitou’s speach and made the young man look at his superior with surprised and curious eyes. „That’s what I want to talk to you about. And I feel it’s my place to apologize to you. I...“ Hijikata-san trailed off for a moment, before finishing the snetence. „I must have hurt you a lot. I’m sorry.“

„No, Vice-commander, please don’t-“  
„Saitou you have to listen to me-“  
„I’m sorry for what happened-“  
„I’m the one who should be-“

Before either of them could continue the very awkward discussion they had gotten themselves into, a voice just from behind Hijikata-san cut into it rather rudely, saying:

„You know, talking about stuff is nice and all, but obviously, you’re overdoing it.“

And before either of them could take a look at the intruder, Hijikata felt a hand on his back and suddenly he was being pushed forward roughly, stumbling for balance and not finding purchase, and then, just as suddenly as the push came, he found himself in a warm embrace of two gentle, yet strong arms. He looked up to thank his helper, but his breath was cut short by the sight of two beautiful, dark eyes. Dark like the skies of Solstice, sparkling like the first snow underneath the light of the stars and the Moon.

Saitou had the most beautiful irises Hijikata had ever seen.

His hand moved subconsciously, almost like driven by a foreign force, moved to touche the flawless face that bore those two mysterious eyes. It was smooth and warm at his touch, and still heating up, as those two eyes shone with an emotion that could have been hope, but Hijikata was too captivated to distinguish.

Those full lips were parted slightly, only a tiny gap opening into a warm cavern, almost like a teasing invitation...

And Hijikata couldn’t resist any longer.

He seized the arms in a strong grip, pulled the slight body into his own and crashed his lips onto Saitou’s.

Bliss.

A thousand of sensations exploaded within his chest and assaulted him and at the same moment his tongue darted out into that wet, warm, inviting cavern, the thought crossed his mind, that it was better, far better than he ever imagined it to be.

Kissing Saitou.

He could feel the initial tension of shock in the young man slowly fade, as the slender body slowly relaxed, leaning into the touch and Saitou started responding the contact, tentative at first, then more sure and finally completely surrendering himself.

Hijikata’s hands moved to the slender hips and pulled the young man even closer, flushing their bodies together in a contact that was almost urgent and he relished in the soft gasp that passed those full, kissable lips, as those strong arms wrapped around his shoulders, searching for support. Saitou was delicious in a way that was almost maddening and Hijikata wanted more of this marvelous, mindblowing taste.

A moment could have passed, but it felt like an entire life since their lips met and Hijikata didn’t want it to stop.

Ever again.

He didn’t even notice how, huddled behind the corner, Shinpachi, Sano and Heisuke each had to supress a cheer.

 

x*x

Heisuke jumped onto Shinpachi’s throat, almost strangling him, in an expression of joy, while Sano slapped their hands together in accomplishment.

„I knew it was gonna work if we talked to them!"  
„Good job!"  
„What are you saying?! It was my advice that finally made Saitou open his eyes!"  
„Yeah, keep, thinking that!"

A chuckle from behind them sounded and they turned around to the mischievous face of Okita Souji grinning at them.

„You may have been giving them advice and clever hints, but wasn’t it a little push, that brought them together in the end?“ the green eyes winked at them.

The trio exchanged grins.

„You might be right, Souji.“ Shinpachi said. „Sometimes,“ he looked at Sano, „All we need is a little push. Right?“

Sano’s only answer was a smile.

„Now, that’s an interesting theory you’re proposing, Nagakura-san.“

The sudden sound of that slurr chased unpleasent shivers down Shinpachi’s spine and Sano’s smile looked a lot more tense than before, too. He turned around to meet steel eyes, while he heard a silent string of curses that Sano was mutterning underneath his breath.

„Exactly what kind of push are we talking about, if I may inquire?“

Shinpachi let a smile, that was not as nice as it was warning, spread on his face as he locked onto that steely gaze.

„Tani-san. Sleeped out the hangover already?“

Tani Sanjuro, the intruder of their small round, smirked, but before that man could come up with an aswer, Sano did it for him.

„Not for too long, I assure you. You’re reeking of sake again, Sanji-sensei.“

Shinpachi watched with growing anger boiling within him, as that bastard bent down, his lips a breath away from Sano’s ear, just beside that sensitive spot, as he whispered.

„Oh, but it’s your favorite brand...You remember?“

Shinpachi could tell only by looking, that Sano did really do remember. The anger within him was slowly reaching the point of overboiling. How dare that bastard tease _his_ Sano?!

„I’ve still got a few bottles left...Want a share?“ And in a ghost of a touch, those lips carressed that spot behind Sano’s ear, no doubt aware of the effect it had.

Shinpachi saw red.

But before the otherwise nice afternoon could turn into a bloodshed, Sano turned his face to look directly at his former teacher and surprise washed away all of the anger that Shinpachi felt.

Sano didn’t seem a tiny bit affected.

Neither his throat, nor his ears were flushed red, not even his cheeks bore a tiniest trace of pink, not a single sliver of color on that otherwise pale face, that was compared to others, just a tiny bit tan.

Nothing.

Just a wicked smirk on those sensual lips and a smart remark.

„No, thank you Sanji-sensei. I think, I had enough of shares from you, for one lifetime.“

For a moment, Tani-san seemed just as surprised as Shinpachi, before he broke into uproarious laughter. Or would have, if a bandaged hand hadn’t covered the mouth in an instant.

„Keep it down! You don’t want to disturb them and get caught!“

A confused gaze and a lifted eyebrow fixed Sano and the redhead just nodded with his head sideways, towards the corner and Tani-san took a peek.

Hijikata-san and Saitou were still kissing, lips against lips, body against body, like they wanted to melt together. Hijikata-san’s hands were tracing Saitou’s hips, occassionally moving to the tights of the young swordsman, even wandering behind them and squeezing just there, while Saitou’s arms were helplessly clutching at Hijikata-san’s kimono, wandering away only sometimes, to gently trace the nape of the pale neck, or bury the hands in that raven hair.

„Oh.“ Tani-san mouthed and straightened himself up again, amused smirk playing on his face. „Well, you’re right, Sanosuke. I wouldn’t want to disturb them. Or your fun, for that matter.“

The former teacher and former pupil exchanged smirks.

„See ya later, lad.“

And with one last wink at Sano, Tani-san turned around and left.

„In your dreams, moron.“ Was Sano’s answer and the last they heard was a rich laugh echoing from where Tani-san disappeared, but not audible to the two lovebirds.

When the spear-wielder wanted to turn around to check on the ’progress’ of the lovebirds, his eyes caught Shinpachi watching him with an unreadable gaze.

„What?“

In a startling instant Shinpachi moved towards Sano, stoping only inches away from his throat. He needed to check this. He needed to know...

But before he could, Sano, reading his intentions, stoped him with a warning hiss.

„Do that and you’re dead.“

Shinpachi hesitated, but Sano’s eyes were talking clearly and so the strong male decided to be for once reasonable and pulled away. Besides, they were still in public. Even though Souji has already disappeared somewhere and the only one really seeing them was Heisuke, watching them with a smirk and dirty thoughts sparkling in his eyes, Hijikata-san and Saitou were just around the corner.

Still kissing.

So, Shinpachi opted for returning to watching the ’newlyweds’ and turning his back to this...awkward situation, that was an inevitable effect to a confrontation with Tani-san, when suddenly, Sano’s breath was right beside his ear and his lover was whispering to him, only for Shinpachi to hear.

„In case you’re wondering, I’m sensitive there only to who I want to be sensitive to.“

A jerk of surprise went through Shinpachi and his head twisted to look at Sano in a surprised manner.

Sano’s only answer was a wink and then the redhead simply returned to watching their friends.

 

x*x

It was wet, it was hot, it was sensational.

Hijikata-san’s lips were like satin and the kiss was like silk ghosting over Saitou’s senses, making them tingle with pleasure and want. The vice-commander was sucking, nipping and biting and all Saitou could do, was desperately cling to the remains of his sanity, while wanting nothing more than to let them go and fall, immersed himself fully into the sensations he was expieriencing.

But the air was coming short and his lungs were screaming for oxygen, lightheadedness making his surroundings spin and so there was nothing left to do, but part for air.

He opened his eyes, he was sure they were glazed, and their gazes locked.

Those eyes...kami-sama, those eyes...

Warm and deep, like the clear sky of a summer night, with the billions of stars shining at him.

The places where Hijikata-san had touched Saitou were burning, no, his entire body was burning and his breath was coming short. He was leaning with his entire weight into the vice-commander’s body, while two warm hands rested on his hips. And Saitou had to admit, that if it wasn’t for that, he couldn’t have kept himself upright. His knees were shaking and the light-headed feeling wasn’t going away, no matter how many breaths he took. He was panting for air and he knew his skin was burning red on several places of his body, flushed with heat. Scorching heat was also burning the lower parts of his body, tingling and unbearable and yet, oh-so good. He wanted, he needed to touch, needed to feel the exquisite pleasure, one like he had felt moments ago, one like he felt now, but more, oh by the gods, more.

He knew he was hard and he knew that Hijikata-san could feel it in the close contact of their bodies, but right now it didn’t matter.

The only thing that mattered were those strong arms around him.

„Saitou...“

Hijikata-san’s voice was rough and husky, when he spoke, rough and husky with barely contained pleasure, Saito realized, and it sent a surge of energy straight into the center of the exquisite heat, that enveloped his body.

„Saitou, we need to talk.“

It was a maddening realization to Saitou’s mind, that Hijikata-san wanted him, felt pleasure when they kissed and, oh kami-sama, was just as excited as Saitou was, judging by the burning hardness pressing against him.

„Yes...“ he whispered in a low voice and his gaze locked once again with Hijikata-san’s.

He was swept away by the sheer force that was burning there, like an inferno, burning away everything in it’s path. Saitou’s heart leaped into his throat and begun beating in a rhythm that was almost inhuman.

There was no escape.

„Come to my room this evening.“

No escape from this man.

Hijikata-san smirked.

„This time, I’ll be the one hosting the dinner.“

Saitou didn’t even realize how he gulped.

„And I promise, it won’t end like yesterday.“

Saitou felt the ground beneath his feet fell apart as the freefall begun.

 

ox*xo-*-*-*–ox*xo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notes
> 
> About that technique Shinpachi invented: I’m actually aware that it probably could never work for various reasons. My „Kendo knowledge“ is limited to the few hours my former boyfriend has trained me, but even I know that things aren’t as simple. But I needed the symbolic of vulnerability and this wa sthe only thing I could come up with. I’m sure nowadays better techniques against left-handed oponents exist. And who knows? Maybe there is one that had been invented by Nagakura Shinpachi?
> 
> I have noticed, that when I write the ’Hijikata scenes’, I write them from Sano’s POV. I think it’s because I find Hijikata’s thoughts, forgive me, boring. I started this fanfic when I was reading the translation for the routes of the Reimeiroku game and Hijikata’s route was simply put, dull for me. I even named it ’internal monologue of the dead fish route’. Hijikata is, for the lack of a better word, marysueing there and his thoughts are clichéd and dull. And I decided, that at least when I write I don’t want to be dealing with them. Besides, I think it isn’t that hard to guess what Hijikata-san is thinking and seeing it through Sano’s eyes, gives it a certain cadence, at least IMO. Hijikata fans, sorry. it’s not that I don’t like Hijikata. He’s handsom enough and he’s dubbed by my favorite seiyuu, but in Reimeiroku he’s just grating on my nerves. Personally, I think that Serizawa is just right about him. Enough said. Toushi, I love you. But that doesn’t mean, I have to find each and every of your thoughts exciting.
> 
> About Sano’s skin color: I’m not sure any of you noticed it, but it is indeed paler than f.e. Shinpachi’s, Heisuke’s, Souji’s, Kondou-san’s, or even Hijikata’s. The only one I’ve really noticed that has a paler skin color, is Saitou. Then I thought about it and came to the conclusion, that coming from the south, doesn’t necessarily have to mean that your skin is a shade or two darker than of other’s. And it’s proven that redheaded people have less pigment than even blondes. I mean, look at Sano’s eyes – they’re pretty light. But I do agree, that for a redhead, he’s pretty tan. :)


	6. The climax

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sex. 4544 words of sex.

To be honest, Saitou had been shaking like a leaf at the thought of what the dinner in Hijikata-san’s quarters would encompass, though he couldn’t tell whether it was nervousity, or excitement, that made him tremble.  
It turned out as a completely normal dinner however, not unlike the one Saitou had hosted Hijikata-san to and with everything truly in the open Saitou didn’t need to worry about flirting and conveying emotions and so he could fully relax and enjoy himself. And the gorgeous company. He had kept his eyes on Hijikata-san during the entire dinner and had caught the vice-commander’s look several times the evening and the hunger and fire that burned there made him shiver, remembering the sensations he had felt that afternoon, along with the initial nervousity.  
But other than that, throughout the entire evening the vice-commander had been very thoughtfull of him and didn’t lead their conversation into uncharted territory, untill they both weren’t relaxed and prepared enough.

It was only after dinner, when Hijikata-san was pouring them the better sake from his stack, that their conversation started into that direction.

„I believe, that I still owe you an explanation, Saitou.“

Saitou didn’t reply, just looked at the vice-commander with a half-expectant, half-curious gaze.

„After all, yesterday I all but stormed out of your room, while today I...“

Hijikata-san trailed off, looking slightly embarassed and mildly uncomfortable, but Saitou still didn’t say anything, even though the vice-commander was right. After the excitement from the kiss had faded somewhat, questions started invading Saitou’s mind. In spite of everything that Shinpachi and Heisuke had said to him, Saitou still had doubts about how Hijikata-san running away could still mean that the vice-commander had feelings for him.

„I was confused.“ Came the answer to that question and Hijikata-san looked at him, eyes completely honest. „And scared.“

Saitou just continued sitting there and listening to everything that Hijikata-san had to say.

„Confused, because I had misunderstoood you. I thought you didn’t have interest in me and suddenly you were kissing me. And scared, because I didn’t know where it could take us. I was afraid I’d lose our friendship, if we took it there. I was a coward and a fool, Saitou, and nothing a man like you deserves.“

The vice-commander’s words echoed within Saitou, as he remembered his own unsureness and how it froze him, made him incapable of acting and thinking, even.

„But the honest truth is, that I’ve fallen in love with you, Saitou. And if there is a chance, if there is a place for a man like me in your heart, I’d be really honored and glad if you accepted me and we could be together.“

The sincerity of Hijikata-san’s feelings flowed through him and touched a depth in his heart, that Saitou until now didn’t even realize he had. It wasn’t a disrupting feeling, causing a storm of emotions, but rather a feeling of peace and calm surrender, as if through the storm, he’d just reached home.

Home.

A place where you belonged.

And in a moment of utter clarity, Saitou came to the realization, that home was Hijikata-san.

„Vice-commander...“

There was nothing Saitou could have said that would have been a worthy response to such open honesty, so he said the only thing that came close.

„Hijikata-san...“

And it was all it needed for the vice-commander to edge closer to Saitou, untill he could feel the heat of the raven-haired male’s body against his own and the bold, hot, gentle, soft lips claiming his.

A feeling fluttered in Saitou’s stomach and after a tiny moment of hesitation, his hands went to carress the handsom face, cupping it, then gently tracing the sharp jawline, before they finaly buried themselves in the raven locks. He felt a hand on his arm, which traced down to his ribs and he could feel the heat of the touch even through the thick fabric of his kimono. Another hand tugged at his scarf and he let it undo it and the white cloth fell to the ground in a silent, intimate rustle.

The clever tongue played with his, then went to explore the hot cavern of his mouth, tracing the edges of his teeth, sweeping to the back, then pulling forward again, to continue the playful dance. Their tongues circled each other and then there was a sucking motion, that pulled the breath out of Saitou’s lungs, but not enough to break the kiss. He felt his face heat up and the burning sensation was back again, devouring him whole and all he could do was clutch at the silken tresses of the vice-commander’s hair.

Suddenly the locks spilled free and fell over them at the same time he felt himself being pushed backwards, untill he was lying on his back, Hijikata-san’s leg between his thighs, pressing against the burning ache that was there. Hijikata-san broke the kiss to look at him, searching for something in his eyes and it occured to Saitou, that maybe he should tell the vice-commander about his inexpierience, that his lover should know about it. But as he parted his lips to do so and said his lover’s name, Hijikata-san’s gentle touch stoped him.

„Shh...“ the vice-commander hushed him. „I know.“ Hijikata-san replaced his fingers with his lips in a chaste kiss and it came in a whisper against Saitou’s lips: „I have never been with a man before, either.“

Their eyes met again and the searching look was back, this time accompanied by a warm, calloused hand on Saitou’s overheated face, carressing it gently.

„Do you want me? Here and now?“

An uknknown feeling exploaded in Saitou’s chest and he couldn’t but feel, that with his next answer, he would pledge himself to Hijikata-san’s side.

„Yes.“

Oh, he was nervous and he had no idea what he should do, nor what came next, he was uncertain about the next few hours even more than about the next years, but there was one thing he knew for sure, the one thing that stood above all uncertainity.

He loved Hijikata-san.

And he wanted to be his.

„Yes.“ He repeated and after a moment more of searching, the look in Hijikata-san’s eyes changed into a finding one and the vice-commander smiled.

And what a beautiful smile he had...

And it came closer and closer and then those smiling lips were on his own again, the kiss slow and sensual this time, making Saitou gasp and writhe with the urgent heat slowly burning up and spreading into his entire body. Hijikata-san’s leg rubbed against him in answer to his writhing and made his back bend and him gasp at the explosion of pure heat that washed through him. It broke their kiss, but the vice-commander didn’t hesitate to take advantage of the newly exposed skin of Saitou’s neck and those clever lips descended there, first nipping gently, almost tentatively, then biting brutaly and a moment later sucking almost apologeticaly the spot just below the rapidly pulsing point of his throat, the touch a burning sensation against his skin, before moving on. That hot tongue left a wet trail, as the lips descended lower, reaching his collar-bone, repeating the nipping, biting and sucking, untill Saitou thought he would either explode, or go insane from the sheer force of this scorching passion burning him. The tongue traced wet trails, cool against his skin, then the lips placed wet kisses on his throat, chin and jaw, before they went to the other side of his neck, repeating the entire maddening precedure, untill Saitou’s breath was coming in gasps and soft half-moans.

He felt a hand working on his sash urgently, untill it fell apart and along with it the folds of his kimono, revealing a pale chest to his lover a new territory to be charted and claimed.

And charted and claimed it was almost immediately.

Teeth nipped gently on the flushed skin as the lips traced invisible lines, following routes only they knew, untill they came to their first destination.

As the moist softness enclosed one of his nipples, a moan broke out of Saitou and as the wet tongue encircled the sensitive skin, a sneaky hand went to tease the other with nudges and pinches and seductive rubs, drivng him insane untill they were swollen, hard and even more sensitive to touch than they’d already been. Then Hijikata-san’s lips left the touch and Saito whimpered at the loss, but it quickly changed into a moan, as the vice-commander blew a breeze of hot breath against the overexcited skin. And another moan followed, when Hijikata-san’s hand wandered open palm down his chest and abdomen, carressing the navel and then finally found a way underneath what was left of his kimono, and...touched...

As two fingers carressed him through the thin cloth of his fundoshi, Saitou, reduced to moans and soft groans, vagualy asked himself how much of this he could bear and how much longer he could do it. His legs spread even without his command, his body desperate for the touch, aching and arching into it.

With three swift, expierienced movements Hijikata-san brushed the sash and the rest of Saitou’s robes away and started working on his own clothes.

After a miniscule moment of thought, Saitou decided to help him.

He sat up and helped Hijikata-san undo the sash of the hakama, which then fell to the floor with that unmistakeable sound, that sent an excited shiver down Saitou’s spine. Hijikata-san stoped his ministartions and their eyes met once again, Summer and Winter finally melting together. Saitou brushed the loosened kimono, along with the juban over the broad shoulders and yet another intimate whisper of cloth sliding to the floor, echoed in his ears. His blood was pounding and his heart raced as they undressed each other in slow motion, relishing in the intimacy of their actions, untill all that was left on them, were their loincloths.

Never breaking the eye contact, Hijikata-san’s hand then slowly covered Saitou’s cloth and forced a helpless moan out of the taciturn swordsman’s mouth, the same moment that Hijikata’s lips covered his in an urgent kiss. The vice-commander rubbed Saitou through the fundoshi, untill the young male thought the thin fabric will soon burst apart, while devouring him, kissing him like there was no tomorrow, kissing him untill Saitou felt like his soul would soon leave him and settle into Hijikata-san, if this continued. Then those seering hot lips moved away from his mouth and showered his face, jaw, chin and throat with equaly hot and seering kisses, before they moved lower, lower and lower and then replaced the clever hand and for a moment, Saitou thought he was dieing. Shudders chased down his spine and his legs fell appart, granting better access, his hips darting forward, for more friction.

The wet tongue that carressed him there, left a moist place on the cloth, that felt against his heated, swollen, sensitive skin like ice on a hot summer day, hot and cold, all at once.

The tongue traced a wet trail upward and dipped into his navel, while the teeth bit the skin around it gently and hot hands carressed his hips, almost as if soothing him, while he trembled with pleasure. The hands roamed his body, leaving a trail of burning sensations on his skin, before they tugged at the straps of the soft cloth untill they fell apart and revealed what was hidden beneath.  
Cold air hit the overheated skin and another shiver ran down Saitou’s body. And then, that hand finally touched him there for real, no cloth, no barriers between them, skin on skin. Saitou’s head fell backwards and his back bent and he felt the other hand grasp his hip, steadying him.  
The first hand gave one slow, tentative stroke, exploring the unknown territory first, before claiming it, using different strategies and techniques of conquest, reducing the conquestee to helpless gasps, stripping him down from every remaining defense he had. The lips kissed themselves upwards, first to the chest, then the exposed neck and finally the tongue darted out into Saitou’s mouth, playing, tasting and devouring all over again.  
His member was slick in Hijikata-san’s hand and every stroke forced harsh pants from between Saitou’s lips. The strokes were alternating between fast and rash, and slow and sensual, dragging the skin back, then forward, the thumb carressing the head, the base and the vein in circular motions, untill the member was dark and swollen, standing out against the pale skin of his stomach.

One moan followed another as heat pulsed through Saitou with every carress those clever fingers made and he spread his legs further, giving his lover even more playground. And just as Saitou thought, that he couldn’t bear a single stroke more, that merciless hand suddenly left and Hijikata-san pulled away.

A disappointed sound left Saitou, but as he opened his eyes only to see Hijikata-san’s fundoshi fluttering to the ground soundlessly, the disappointment changed into excited anticipation.

And then the vice-commander, naked as the day he was born, was between his legs and looking at him with those dark eyes, now even darker with passion, dark and dangerous as a summer storm and Saitou was gently guided to lie down again, lovered onto the pile of their clothes and pressed against that strong body, burning hardness against burning hardness.

Then he was being kissed again, this time gentle, but firm, calming and sure, like the promise of a lover.

Hijikata-san’s hands were roaming over his body again, massaging Saitou’s hips, chest, arms, shoulders, chest and hips again, then moving to his backside, thights, inside and out, up and down, guiding him to spread his legs wide open, and Saitou’s pulse was flying, as he realized what came next.

One of the hands left Saitou’s body just for the few moments it took to withdraw a small bottle of ointment from the folds of purple cloth and vagualy Saitou thought how good it was that Hijikata-san had brought his own bottle, since it spared Saitou the embarassment of searching between the folds of his own clothes for the one that Sano had given him, new and chrysantheum scented and that Saitou had brought with himself, as a precaution.

Saitou watched how those elegant, long fingers first opened the small jar, then dipped in and coated themselves with the thick liquid, before pulling out.

Hijikata-san looked at him with a look reminiscent of the searching one, before saying.

„If you turn around, it should hurt less.“

It was more a question than a demand, like a proposition Hijikata-san wasn’t sure he should be making and Saitou, feeling humbled, looked into those beautiful purple eyes, dark with pleasure.

And shook his head.

„No, Hijikata-san, please. I...“

Before he could finish, gentle lips silenced him.

„I know.“ Hijikata-san said, their eyes meeting again, relishing at the sight. „I feel the same.“

No other word was said and Hijikata-san leaned down to kiss him again and with a pang of nervous feeling mixed with excitement, Saitou felt one of those long fingers press against his entrance. Just as the finger slipped in, Saitou breathed in sharply and those velvet lips kissed his face reassuringly. It didn’t hurt as much as it felt unusual and new, but not all that unpleasent. As Saitou relaxed his body, another of those long fingers slippped in and started spreading him. It was now mildly uncomforttable, but then the vice-commander twisted and curved his fingers and for a moment Saitou thought he would tear apart from pleasure. He was vagualy aware, that the sound that his throat had just made, had been too loud to be proper and the look in his eyes had to be too wanton to be dignified, but the feeling he had just expierienced made him absolutely ignorant about it.

It had been like an explosion of lust and pleasure, making him ache and wanton for more.

He felt Hijikata-san’s lips smirk against his skin and another finger slide in and then repeat the move.

This time Saitou was prepared, but it still was an overwhelming sensation that almost swept him away. Pleasure was rippling through his entire body, control over it lost, as it was shamelessly leaning into the touch, desperate for more friction.

But it wasn’t enough.

His member was aching and his insides were burning and all he wanted was more of that heat, more friction, more of this wonderfull feeling of completition.

Saitou wanted to be filled to the core, feel everything that was Hijikata-san.

The fingers moved away and Saitou made another undignified sound that was almost a sob, but then lips were on his again in a promising touch, as the slick hand lifted his knee over the broad shoulder and then, oh then, something seering hot and rock hard was pressing against him.

„Hijikata-san...“ he moaned the name of his lover, but the vice-commander corrected him in a raspy voice.

„Toushizou...It’s Toushizou...“

This time it was really a sob that passed Saitou’s lips and he looked up at his lover, took in the aroused heat in that handsom face, the dark mess that was once smooth raven hair, now a disarray, and the look of pure lust and want in purple eyes, now almost black with pleasure.

„Toushizou-san...“

He said, his voice trembling with strain and emotion and then the hot hardness was pushing into him, stretching him, opening him, claiming him, filling him to the core and all Saitou could do was sob and groan at the pure bliss of feeling complete and whole.

Purple eyes found him again and held him captive with their sheer force.

Hijikata...Toushizou-san didn’t stop advancing further into the silken heat untill he was buried to the hilt, deep inside of Saitou.

It was a carefull, but sure press, not wanting to either hurt him, or scare him away, but making him enjoy every ripple of that exquisite pleasure running through him.

And then he was loosing that feeling, as Toushizou-san was pulling out and Saitou was sobbing again and even the calming kisses on his shoulder couldn’t help it, but then he was being filled again, slowly, torturingly and oh-so sensually, that it tore a groan from his throat and his eyes rolled back into his head.

Toushizou-san continued the slow, torturous pace and it drove Saitou insane with that maddening ache that burned between his legs.

The pleasure was building up, but it was nowhere near enough and Saitou groaned with desperate need.

„Toushizou-san...“ he cried out and a moan was his answer, but the pace didn’t change. And Saitou in his despair, did something he never thought he’d do. „Toushizou-san, please...please...“ he begged and from above him a groan came. When he looked up, a sight so rare and precious greeted him, that it almost drove him over the edge. Toushizou-san’s features were twisted with pleasure, the purple eyes were black and glazed, the pupils were wide and dilated, the velvety lips parted, the sharp teeth clenched with exertion.

And all of that for Saitou.

And then, suddenly the strong hips jerked forward, the slow press becoming a sharp thrust and Saitou was screaming.

Then it ebbed away as Toushizou-san pulled back slowly and Saitou’s heart leaped into his throat as he felt the muscles tense again, preparing for another thrust. And then another. And another. And another, another, each of which tore desperate sounds from him, as desperate as the burning feeling, that Saitou thought couldn’t get any hotter, but it did and he wondered how longer he could bear it.

„Toushizou-san...please, please, please...“

Toushizou-san groaned and the sharp teeth bit his shoulder, but finally, finally at last those strong hips started thrusting in earnest, as the demon vice of the Shinsengumi stoped containing himself, hitting that spot in Saitou over and over again, demanding instead of asking, and taking almost brutally, but also giving Saitou a very precious gift...

With every thrust a burst of color exploaded behind Saitou’s eyes and he felt the climax approaching fast. He was gasping and moaning Toushizou-san’s name and he could feel his lover also edging close to the peak, the hot member within Saitou twitching with the approaching release.

The thrusts became faster and Toushizou-san was gasping into his ear, hot, aroused breath burning Saitou’s skin.

And then, that voice strained with pleasure, rough and raspy, was saying the one word, that sent him tumbling over the edge, the waves of release crashing over him like a tsunami, sweeping him away.

„Hajime...Hajime!“

As the tidal wave of release crashed over him with all of it’s force, Saitou’s back bent in a way, that wasn’t even physicaly possible and he was making sounds, he didn’t even know he was capable of making, but all of that didn’t matter, it wasn’t important, as the entire heat exploaded in Saitou in a giant burst of color and sensation and he was coming and coming, releasing again and again, his seed spluttering all over them, the space around them and the clothes beneath them and he felt hot, hot, burning heat filling him, as Toushizou-san was thrusting into him with an inhumanpace, riding their release out, driving it out of them with the force of a true demon.

And then it was over, as the pleasure slowly ebbed away and his senses started to return to Saitou and their surroundings came back, and Toushizou-san wasn’t just a feeling of heat, but a physical presence beside him, around him, arms and legs and hair and lips.

They collapsed onto the ground, gasping for air.

Toushizou-san then gently, carefully pulled out of Saitou, but never let go of him.

Their eyes met.

Toushizou-san’s pupils were still wide, but the purple color started to return into the irises, their look gentle and devoted, like a lover’s.

They smiled at each other and a sweaty, calloused hand carressed Saitou’s still flushed cheek.

„Hajime...Saitou Hajime...“

Saitou’s heart fluttered at the sound of his name said so gently and lovingly and not capable of speaking, finding no words for a response worthy of such a gesture, he simply leaned into the touch and allowed a small glister of wetness reach his eyes.

„Toushizou-san...“ he said finally, voice trembling with emotion and the strain of the last moments and Toushizou-san smiled at him, and leaned in to carress Saitou’s eyes with his lips, kissing the wetness away.

For a few moments they just lay there like that, enjoying the warm embrace, rubbing their faces together, catching a few last feels of each other’s skin, before the last remains of pleasure faded.

It was Toushizou-san who spoke first.

„We need to clean up.“

Saitou nodded tiredly and already made a move to sit up, but Toushizou-san’s hand on his arm stoped him.

„Wait here.“

With those words and a smile Toushizou-san stood up and went further back into his quarters. Saitou heard the sounds of rustling and rumaging, and after a while his lover returned, carrying a soft-looking cloth in his hand.

Then Toushizou-san sat down next to Saitou again and gently begun cleaning his body, making Saitou’s cheeks heat up.

„But vice-commander-“ Saitou protested, embarassed about his superior officer cleaning him, that he even momentarily forgott, that just a few moments ago he had been calling the vice-commander by the man’s first name.

The vice-commander reminded him of this fact rather resolutely.

„Hush!“ The raven-haired male commanded, then added in a slightly gentler, but not less resolute voice. „Let me do this.“ Then he looked directly into Saitou’s eyes. „And from now on it’s Toushizou-san. At least in private.“

Saitou hesitated, before finally nodding.

„Toushizou-san.“ He said affirmatively and was startled to find a smile tugging at the corners of his lips.

Finally Toushizou-san was finished with cleaning and gentle purple eyes settled on Saitou’s face again.

„Will you stay the night?“

Saitou hesitated as slowly the clouds of joy, that surrounded the present moment, gave space to a more darker and uncertain tomorrow.

„Do you want me to?“

They loved each other.

They had sex together.

But what did that mean for the future?

Could they stay together?

„Yes.“ Was Toushizou-san’s reply and Saitou nodded.

„Then I’ll stay...“

He didn’t realize he had looked away untill a gentle hand came to rest on his cheek.

„What’s the matter, Saitou?“ Toushizou-san asked and Saitou warred with himself.

„Hajime?“

And Saitou admitted defeat and decided to confide in his lover.

„I’m just wondering what tomorrow will bring. Or the next week. Or the next month, the next year.“ Toushizou-san watched him, gently carressing his cheek, while he silently listened to Saitou. „It was only yesterday you wanted to design a rule against nanshoku and today you’re kissing me and loving me. Me, a man.“ Saitou’s hand reached up and stroked the messy, dark locks absentmindedly. „I...I feel confused.“

A warm hand took his and pulled it to equally warm lips, which blew a feather-light, reassuring kiss over the calloused skin, before Toushizou-san answered him.

„I was blind, Saitou, that’s all. Blind to your feelings and blind to my own ignorance. I don’t know what tomorrow, or the next week, or the following months will bring us, but I know I love you and that I want to be with you, no matter what. The only thing that really matters to me, the one thing more important than my responsibilities, is you...Hajime. I want you to be happy.“ A thumb stroked Saitou’s palm and he quietly listened. „As for the rule...“ A small snort sounded from Toushizou-san at that, „I thought about it and I decided not to drop it. I have noticed, that many times, attraction to the same male is used as an excuse between two men, who just want a fight. It can bring a lot of problems. But seeing as it would upset many of our members, I don’t want to be too strict about this rule. Exceptions will be granted to those I trust to be reasonable.“

„Isn’t that a little unfair?“

„Maybe. But I think it’d be more unfair if I banned nanshoku completely to those that have happy and fulfilled relationships and had them, for a long time, just because someone can’t keep his sword sheathed. I think that at least Shinpachi would voice his disagreement rather loudly.“

Saitou conceded the point with a chuckle.

„You might be right.“

Toushizou-san smiled.

„I am.“ He said absolutely. „Now, let’s go to bed. As much as I don’t want to move, we can’t sleep on the floor.“

Saitou nodded and stood up, with Toushizou-san’s help.

Then Toushizou-san rolled out one of the spare tatamis and several moments later no more thoughts and uncertainities invaded Saitou’s mind, as he felt himself being claimed by sleep, safe in the embrace of his lover. In the last moments of consciousness, just before he slipped away, he heard a low mumble as a deep voice carried through the fog of his mind a few loving words, reciting...

_„Like Summer and Winter, like fire and ice, your embrace feels.  
Let the Sun rest, may the Night fall and your arms keep me near.“_


	7. The aftermath

The next morning, Saitou woke to the chirping of birds, the fresh smell of the morning air and the embrace of warmth around him. He turned his head to be greeted by raven black hair and the sleeping face of his lover and the events of last night started streaming into his sleep-fuzzed mind and charmed a small smile onto his face.

Finally.

Finally, with the help of their friends, he was able to give himself to the vice-commander. He would have to thank Shinpachi, and probably Sano and Heisuke too. He was sure they went an extra mile for them to be finally happy.

Saitou was really greatfull for such friends, even if they were quite a handfull at times. But he would never trade them.

Just as he would never trade Hijikata-san...Toushizou-san, not for the world.

His lover was still sleeping peacefully and Saitou didn’t have the heart to wake him. Not if once Hijikata was up, he would barricade himself behind a mountain of paperwork and do everything thinkable to ruin his health, from skipping meals to not sleeping.  
And so, Saitou, with all of the rights he had as the young lover of the demon vice, decided to let Toushizou-san rest for a little longer and he rose and searched the room for his sleeping yukata. Then with one last look to the calm, sleeping face of his lover, he headed to his own room.

  
x*x

Not a half an hour later, he was down by the well to freshen himself up for the day, washing away the last night’s remaints. But even if the sensations faded, the memories would stay with him for an entire lifetime. He would treasure them and they would remain a piece of him, untill his mind faded away. He would remember the gentle touch and soft kisses, the rough, calloused hands and full lips, the carefull press, claiming him...  
He felt a flush coloring his face a light shade of red, when his body heated up as it recalled the memory very vividly.

He would keep it in his heart forever.

He was just washing his face, splashing the cold water onto the skin to calm the heat spreading there, when a cheerfull voice spoke: „You seem to be relaxed today.“  
He lifted his head only to be greeted by sparkling azure blue eyes and the wide smile of his friend.

Shinpachi was dressed only in his purple top and blue-painted noubakama, his other usual, distinctive garments nowhere to be seen, brown hair falling freely into his face, the early sunlight casting it into a golden glow.  
Saitou had to admit, that man, his friend was beautiful. However, not many people noticed this. Hidden behind a layer of gruffness and muscles, and clothes that underlined the masculinity, one rarely caught a glimpse of the beauty that lied there.  
Saitou understood Sano and Heisuke, but he doubted, in that odd, yet comfortable arrangement the three of them had, was a place for him. And besides, before he could have even considered the possibility, he had given his heart away.

To Toushizou-san.

He smiled into himself, letting his guard down around his friend and nodded.  
„Yes.“  
Then he looked Shinpachi over, taking note of the tussled hair and dopey smile and it wasn’t very had to guess, that events similar to those in Toushizou-san’s bedroom happened last night to Shinpachi too.  
Yesterday that thought would have made him blush.  
Today it spread his smile.  
„You seem relaxed yourself.“

Shinpachi chuckled as he approached the well also to freshen himself up, splashing some of the cold water onto his face in the same manner Saitou did previously.

„How could I not be?“ the man looked at Saitou. „You know who I lie with, right?“

This caused a little blood rush into Saitou’s face and look away in embarassment. Even though he now had Toushizou-san, it didn’t mean he had to appreciate such a blunt nand crude language. Shinpachi could be disgustingly improper at times...

A snort brought his attention back to the present.

„But I still can’t compare to Heisuke. I wonder how he’ll look today. He’d...gotten some big action last night and now I’m really curious how this will develope. Though, Sano might kill one of us.“ With that, the man winked at him and the red in Saitou’s face doubled at the implication.

Did Shinpachi imply just now that...

Heisuke...? On...

No.

Saitou absolutely refused to imagine that.

A chuckle tore him out of his thoughts and blue eyes sparked at him.  
„You might be a gifted swordsman, but in this field, you still have lots to learn.“

Saitou admitted to himself, that his friend was right. But now, he had someone to explore the endless possibilities with, someone that was dear to him. Someone he loved.

Toushizou-san...

Suddenly, the thought how Toushizou-san would look in the throws of pleasure from an upper perspective crossed his mind and promptly sent a pleasent shiver down Saitou’s spine.  
He promptly stomped the thought out and chided himself.  
Toushizou-san as the...

No.

It was just as impossible as Sano recieving Heisuke.

And suddenly Saitou wondered...

„You do realize that Sano might be leading you by the nose?"

After all, Sano had his body under perfect control. So, if he let Heisuke...do that to him, there were chances, that he was getting something out of it. Something that, knowing the hot-tempered male, was borderline insane and potentionaly dangerous. Thinking about it, Saitou liked the idea less and less.  
Shinpachi didn’t seem to share his worries, as the strong male threw his head back and laughed heartily. „Of course he is! It would be only half of the fun, if he wasn’t. And besides," Shinpachi leaned to Saitou, looking straight into his eyes with mischief sparkling in his own. „Men enjoy being lead by the nose. At least in such things."

Saitou gave him a quizzical look, but before either of them could say anything else, a voice from behind them spoke.

„Shinpachi, don’t try to turn him into a pervert! One of you is more than enough."  
They both turned around only to see Sano standing there, dressed still in his night-blue sleeping yukata, that, tied low on his wait, showed a nice glimpse of the well toned chest and chiseled muscles. His eyes were still a little sleepy, like he’d just gotten up, the messy, sleep-tussled hair undone, smelling of a great ’morning after’.  
„You wouldn’t have me any other way, admit it." Shinpachi smirked and Sano matched it, as they looked each other up and down, taking in the different appearence, appreciating the beauty of the other male.

Saitou shook his head.

„You two enjoy nanshoku more than it’s healthy."  
Sano raised an eyebrow. „And don’t tell me that after last night you can’t understand it."  
It was amusing to see the young male flush an interesting shade of red.  
Shinpachi chuckled. „You just wait. I’m sure Hijikata-san will make you work twice as hard than he already does. And all because of that sweet, wet, hot feeling of tight-"

„You don’t want to finish that sentence, Shinpachi."

The brownhaired male jumped and turned on his heels as he heard the deep voice with the thick, heavy Edo accent.

„Hijikata-san!"

The demon vice’s purple eyes were narrowed to slits as his look was pure darkness, like he was ready to unleash a hord of demons from Enma’s kingdom at the second executor of the Shinsengumi, and the otherwise eloquent Shinpachi was reduced to a helpless pile of incoherent ’anos’, ’etos’ and ’how should I put its’, while Sano smirked in unholy glee. Finally Shinpachi would get justice for his own doings, instead of someone else taking the blame. He contemplated on getting Heisuke to see it, but after the last nights events, he decided against it. Revenge was sweet. He caught Saitou’s glance and a look was all it took for them to reach an understanding and together they proceeded to do their morning routine, ignoring the tense silence building up behind them.

The times were changing and they were moving along.

  
ox*xo-*- THE END -*–ox*xo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the record: No, Heisuke didn’t top Sano. I admit, that at first that had been the plan, but after suffering three brain-deaths and my face went through various shades of green, I decided to abandon that idea and rewrote it, so that it stays at the attempt. However I let the final conversation between Shinpachi and Saitou unchanged, just because Shinpachi is an asshole and Sano is a bastard and they like making people believe scary things just to get the kick out of the face that innocent, unknowing person makes, when they drop the bomb. That and they swore they would tie me naked onto the bed and just leave me there, horny as I was, if I rewrote it (which is just another level of torture that I’m not sure I could bear) and I, admittedly, liked the conversation too much to erase it. Jokes aside, in my opinion, it suits there. I have noticed that Shinpachi likes to tease Saitou and what better way to do that than say something ambigous? Meanwhile, „Heisuke got some action“ and „Wonder how Sano will look“ could both mean anything and don’t have to refer to anything...brainkilling at all.
> 
> BTW, somethin I realized, while I was writing this. The pet-name that Heisiuke calls Shinpachi – Shinpat-suan. I realized that it’s the same honorific that in One Piece Sanji uses on Nami. Only there it’s not written as –suan, but –swan. According to One Piece fans, such an honorific is used when someone wants to sweeten it, or make it sound more personal, like they want to show that they stand closer to that person than on formal terms. Or that they respect that person while still finding them cute. I’m not sure if some of you have watched that show, but it made me snicker every time I wrote ’Shinpat-suan’ and I wanted to share it with you. :)
> 
> In all honesty, I have mixed feelings about this fanfic of mine. I feel like I’m going out of myself, when I write this, that I’m writing like I never wrote before, but at the same time...after re-reading the fanfiction, I...get a weird feeling. Like it’s...inconsistent, or something. Like it doesn’t make sense. But when I try to think about the parts that don’t make sense, I find the logic within them and don’t know where or what to rewrite. If this fanfiction sounds weird to you in the long run, please forgive me. It’s just another of my mishaps. I decided to make YOU choose whether it’s good stuff, or worth shit. Tell me in all honesty.
> 
> The last thing to say:
> 
> I wanted to write this, as a surprise for a good soul, then it somehow turned into a birthday fic, then, as I didn’t make it due to the date, a Christmas fic, but as I missed that too I decided it’s an all-in-one + thank-you-for-your-hard-work gift fic.
> 
> With all those mixed feelings, I don’t know whether you’ll like it, Cynthia-san, but I hope you’ll accept this gift as a token of my friendship. I have so many things just thanks to you and I wanted to give you soomething in return. It might not be the best of the best HijiSai, but at the current moment, it’s the best I can do and my best to give to you. I hope you like it, at least a little. ^^ Happy birthday, Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, Happy Chinese New Year and Thank you for everything. ~_^


End file.
